CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG!!! :)

http://homaidwhine.wordpress.com/

 

The Ho-Maid Line of Free Time!

The Ho-Maid line all began about 8 years ago out of a kitchen. It started as a funny chemistry lesson/I am broke and need to bring gifts for holidays.  After getting laid off from work, I have decided to spread and market my line of goods and some of the supplies to make them. You can follow me on my two blogs, etsy, ebay resale store, and many more places, which will provide other ideas and insights in to my eco-minimalist world and will gladly answer any questions you may have. Look for updates as I build this empire!

 

LET THE TRUE MARKETING OF MY LIFESTYLE BEGIN!!!

 

 

To let go or to be let go, that is the question…….

On Tuesday of last week, I was notified my position was being disbanded and i would be laid off effective May 1st.  Now, to most people this would be hurtful and disheartening, and a true gut check.  But to me, it is a blessing.  I have worked in only two fields during the course of my working life- food service and metals manufacturing.    During the 2008 economic meltdown i was only one of 5 overhead office employes that was not laid of or terminated out of the 30 I worked with. I left that job for two reasons, a conflict of interest in my personal life and there was not upward mobility.  It has been over two years since i left to go to another local machine shop, again with no upward mobility, way smaller, and in continual decline of work.  So much so that in the last year I have spent most of the 45 hours on the clock doing personal things and building my internet company and image, as the ok of my employer, as there really is nothing to do.  The owner and i spoke briefly a few times over the last year, each time i asked for more work and more responsibility, and each time he would try to find something, but at some point we both had to draw the line that creating work for someone when doing it yourself is more efficient is not in the best interest of the company.  I found it good that i could always be candid with him.  I told him that truthfully he did not need all four of us in the office.  Really he only needed two and they would still both have “free time.”  I told him i felt bad doing my own stuff, and he said well hopefully that is temporary, as 2013 should be better…. well a qtr deep in to 2013 and we have laid off everyone in the shop we could to still fulfil production goals, and the overhead was next… meaning me.  I have been bored and unhappy here for the last year because of the lack of work and purpose.  I know as an employee anywhere you can be replaced, but as an employee i want to feel passionate that the work i am doing is for the greater good of my employer.  My direct boss is also a huge concern of mine.  And not being under his thumb is more than uplifting….

Now, as a teen mom who has done only work since the day my child was born- not working is a bit frightening to me.  ONce upon a time I stayed at home with my children when they were small, and went to school, while their father worked two and three jobs for u.  I went back to work once i graduated because i was supposed to be the breadwinner then….flash forward to today i will ot be working.  My partner will be.  What do i do?!?!

Never you fear!!!!!!

 

Where there is time- I will fill it.  I am SO SUPER LUCKY right now i could shout it from the rooftops.  Although we will have less income, I have lived with way less income during times in my life than right now.  Had this happened even a year ago i would e so stressed and sick and freaking out it would have been terrible.  But because of my partner, his work ethic and positive attitude- we will be ok.  He said, well i guess this is your sign to apply yourself to what you love!  We will figure out the rest…we can do it.

So…..

I  feel about a bazillion times better.  And i am accountable to him during this time.  IF i spend too much, if i am being lazy around the house, or dont bring in enough from my online business, he will get on my back about it.  IF i feel like he is slacking, i will do the same.  W again, have talked it over-BEFORE issue and we set a plan in place FOR the upcoming situation.  There is accountability, responsibility, and faith in one another that neither of us will shoot the other in the foot.

I will still apply for jobs, but will target jobs that fit my expertise instead of “whatever” and i will finish my Real estate schooling, spend time with my kids, go out and market my advocacy programs, and Rock my small business out!  Bring in some clients and Teach people about minimalist endeavors, and the environmental fun of healthy living, relationships,and getting your hands active and dirty instead of lazy and idle.

🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Un)doing the Fear.

I only had one thought yesterday afternoon: What in the Hell??????!!!!!!

As I with a coworker kept tabs on her sister-in-law running in the Boston marathon, we periodically watched the race on the website, and tracked her number at the various “k” points.  A bit of time before the blasts we noticed her numbers stopped reading….finding out after the blasts that due to the stomach flu she was unable to finish the race and was taken to the hospital for fluid-so she was not where near the blast site at the time of detonation.

We watched in horror, dismay, shock.  She was on the phone with family trying to locate her sister-in-law. I was watching people in shock, injured, and some running to the carnage to help others.  Immediately extended arms from all over the nation and the globe began to pour in and out and all over.  The good of the world in a hug greater than any bad could ever conquer.

 

….We can let the bad guys win…. we can let fear dictate our lives and create more libertyless laws in the name of “protection”…..

or

….We can continue on living lives that celebrate festivals, holidays, athletics, music….We can show through our inaction to the “assholes” that they are meaningless to our lives…..

 

I realize that for the victims, families, participants, and injured,  that it will take time to move on.  It will never be forgotten, but to let it control you or not is in your power, and yours alone.

Easier said always, than done, but doable all the same.

LIfe can be a B.O.B.  but it can also be glorious.  Realize only one (maybe a few as we have yet to find out) coward was there that day, planted the bombs and ran AWAY, while 100’s of first responders ran TO the carnage to save a life or lives of others.  What does that tell you about the good of the nation?  About our purpose in life.  The lesson to take from this, and other tragedies, doesn’t necessarily depend on your vantage point to the situation-it depends on the life you believe in and choose to live.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone involved yesterday.  You are all now a catalyst for something you never asked to be a part of, a victim of circumstance, but you hold your future and a part of the nation in your hands.  Your life, and the thoughts and hope of saving your life were enough to get complete strangers to run to the flames to carry you out.  Life will change.  Life will be hard.  But your life and the lives of those lost were worth the fight to save.  That should give you at least some comfort during this horrific time.  May you be at peace, may you be strong when you feel weak, and may the lord be there by your side to comfort you the rest of the way.

 

C

 

 

 

 

Product Review: A few good hairs:

My review process and disclosure

I love free samples!!!!! Reviewing them unbiased and try-before-you-buy-style Is fun!!! Go consumer product research!  I have become a free sample junkie.  I love, love. love getting samples at stores and in the mail. I try not to buy most women things.  And so far, the easiest things to get for free are women products from shampoos to perfumes and the like.  I started this free sample hunt about 4 months ago, and have decided to review the products as a way to both thank the company for the ability for me to try before I buy, and for consumers to have a real and unbiased commentary about a product.  I have a three drawer storage box under my bathroom counter and a box in my spice cabinet where my free samples go, to be used when I need them, just curious, or I am in the mood to change it up and write a review.   Sometimes I will write a lot of reviews in one short span of time, and other times I will break from doing it. These are my opinions, and please feel free to let me know if you agree or disagree.  I am trying to see how much of my life I can exist upon free samples……. to see if I can get by, and if so for how long.  Free samples also travel well.  Small enough to fit TSA carry on regulations AND they can fit in the cracks of your shoes and other small places for transport.  So here we go!

HAIR CARE TEST

In my house we have three girls with very differing hair needs:

Me age 29: I have wavy, semi healthy hair, dry ends, and undyed, naturally colored.

My eldest Jolie age 12: Thick, thick, wavy hair.  Her hair is so think it has issues retaining the good smell of shampoo, and often times has a “head smell” but nothing clean and fresh.

My youngest Lilie age 8: thin, mousey bone straight hair. It looks dirty only a few hours after she has bathed….but it always smells nice.

In order to make these tests as close replication as possible, I wash all of our hair, in hot water once a day at night. Conditioners are put in at the end for 2 minutes at the minimum. qtys of each are about the diameter of a nickel per person per experience.

 

WOW!!!! love it!!!!!  will buy!!!!!   The sample came with i shampoo bottle and 1 conditioner bottle sized slightly larger than travel/hotel sized.  They sent me enough to use the shampoo for 10 hair washings, and conditioner for about 20.  This stuff was so amazing on my dry and heat burned hair.  It became more shiny and felt softer, and was less tangled, smelled good and was awesome!  As for Lil- it made her hair shiny and soft, and not dirty looking.  Jolie- no change-

 

This sample arrived in a packet/pod with a coupon for 1.00 off. Three use at most.

Awesome product for Jolie.  Her hair was soft, and it smelled good for hours after it had naturally dried.  Lilie and I saw little to no change in shine, or health, but out heads smelled good for over 24 hours.

This sample came with three pods/packets attached- one shampoo, one conditioner, and one repair serum.  Again 3 use max, with the exception of the serum- I am p to 5 uses and probably have about 1 or 2 more.

Shampoo- worked well but did not change the appearance of any of our hair.  The smell did not last in jolie’s hair after her hair dried. The conditioner seemed to make lilie’s hair softer and mine less tangled.

The serum- only i used and am still using.  The my heat fried dried ends seem softer, but i do not know that they are healthier (or if that is possible without cutting them off).  My hair does feel softer all around though.

 

In conclusion, given the three sample products, three different hair types, and similar testing situations applied- the ultimate winner is the Clear shampoo and conditioner for Lilie and I, but the Garnier Fructis for Jolie.

 

Thank you to the companies and participants.  Let me know if you have others you want me to try!  Contact me if you want me to try your products too!

 

Until next time,

C

 

Welcome to My Rant-lery and (Un)protected Heart.

I have found that the hardest time to teach my kids anything is when i am having a hard time understanding it, or am provoked in to emotions that i try to teach them to contain.

The thing about fight club, is you never talk about fight club.

As a parent the hardest conflicts i have i have in my mind.  i have varying sides that fight with one another.  The one side, the hurt or angered side, is just that, hurt and angered, emotional, illogical, and irrational; another side is more pragmatic, logical, and rational wondering why the antagonist is they way they are, what can be done to remedy it, do i need to be the one to remedy it or should time go about its business, etc.; and yet a third side hugs the emotional side and reassure that those feelings are only human, acknowledges and encourages the pragmatic side to do what it truly believes is good and right, and envelops theory and prior experience and knowledge with patience and love and moves on.

 

The thing i have learned, most relevant in my life during times of provocation is: You (the antagonist/s) have taught me a very good lesson in what state of mind I do not want to have, act, or be perceived.  You cannot change others, your actions can merely influence them to make the decision to change if they so choose to. And their actions, can have the same effect on you, only if you want them to.  I cannot change my family, for instance, but they have changed me.  I hurt for them and the emptiness and insecurity they must have deep with in their soul.  I, will never know this for certain, but by actions, especially toward me and my children, they may as well scream it from the heavens.  Because of this i hurt for them.  Because of this they hurt me and my  kids.  We are the catalyst of things they will never understand, sensations of love and caring so deep they will never feel.  A trust in one another they will never have.  They will go on doubting everything and one in life-I wont waste my time on that.  Take the time you spend doubting and use it to deeply enjoy the love around you.  Even if it leaves you at some point-who cares-you wasted not time on giving and receiving love while it was there.

 

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason.  Sometimes when i talk to God, I joke with him…. “you think you could have taught me that sooner?”  “Why did you let me keep the wool over my eyes for that long?” ” hey, God, any insight here would be appreciated!” ” God why me?  I appreciate that you think i am strong enough to handle this, but i could use a break from testing….”  But, at the same time I do not expect an answer.  Time will show face, time will heal wounds, scars will remind and teach.  And i will carry on.

It took me a long time to appreciate God.  I have always been fascinated with religious conjectures and ideals, and i have always doubted.  At some low points in my life I had no faith.  I had no belief.  And then something happened.  I learned to love and appreciate all i had.  I would never wish these occurences in my life on anyone, but the things that i learned from it are the things that i use daily to keep on.  The thing i also learned is that what people thought were my lowest moments, they weren’t.  They were low, but they were blessings in disguise.  Items i though were low or rock bottom moments for others in my life, may not have been their lowest either…..who is to say for certain.

Whatever the best is, may it come in time.  May it show face when it needs to show face.  May it be there when, or not at all.  Only time will tell what God already knows.  And i will do and be the person that i am because I took the time to see the lessons brought to me, I took on the challenge, fell, and got back up, multiple times.  I learn face-first sometimes too.  And when it was all said and done i learned who I am, how i want to act and feel, and how i do not want to be like.  Sometimes these lessons are painful.  But these lessons, teach, forever more.

 

May you find peace.

 

C

 

 

 

 

(MM) Product review: Airborne Free Sample Pack

My review process and disclosure

I love free samples!!!!! Reviewing them unbiased and try-before-you-buy-style Is fun!!! Go consumer product research!  I have become a free sample junkie.  I love, love. love getting samples at stores and in the mail. I try not to buy most women things.  And so far, the easiest things to get for free are women products from shampoos to perfumes and the like.  I started this free sample hunt about 4 months ago, and have decided to review the products as a way to both thank the company for the ability for me to try before I buy, and for consumers to have a real and unbiased commentary about a product.  I have a three drawer storage box under my bathroom counter and a box in my spice cabinet where my free samples go, to be used when I need them, just curious, or I am in the mood to change it up and write a review.   Sometimes I will write a lot of reviews in one short span of time, and other times I will break from doing it. These are my opinions, and please feel free to let me know if you agree or disagree.  I am trying to see how much of my life i can exist upon free samples……. to see if I can get by, and if so for how long.  Free samples also travel well.  Small enough to fit TSA carry on regulations AND they can fit in the cracks of your shoes and other small places for transport.  So here we go!

So, this winter has proved rather healthy for me.  Typically every year I end up with a bronchial infection of some sort followed by sinus and allergy head colds due to the ever-changing weather confusions Wisconsin can behold.  This year I have had 1 head cold and it was early on in the winter.  Cool.  I do not take vitamins, supplements, or really anything from tums to pills, and I do not like drinking plain water, but I dislike powdery mixes for water even more.  I feel like I am drinking gritty water,…..so I was a bit leery about these trial tests.  But i did not want them to go to waste, and i requested the free trial, so with an open mind and a positive attitude I embarked on this healthy endeavor.

In order of trial occurence:

Feb 13-15

1. Top left- 4 Pink chewables- they were quite tasty.  They were larger than I expected them to be.  They did not leave a chalky or metallic taste in my mouth with the completion of chewing them.  Super easy if you remember to take them, or if you take regular drugs/supplements in the morning, it could be an easy addition, especially if you work in general populous careers, like education, nursing, serving/etc.

Feb 22.

2. Top right.- Plus energy refreshing mix- Wow!  It was super refreshing!!! I am not a water drinker.  And crystal lite and such water flavor packets gross me out.   The water i drink i get from hot jet black coffee-that is all.  I like water hot, not cold.  Tha being said, I was very surprised at how tasty and not gritty this was.  I drank it so fast i don’t know that i appreciated it.  All i know is i would definitely drink it again.  It was orange flavored, and sort of reminded me of the kids Sunkist vitamins of the late 1980’s, or of orange pez, but not as sweet.  (the old pez flavor….they taste different today than they did when i was a kid).  It felt good.goind down,and maybe placebo, but i felt very refreshed, not ready for a nap, at 2 pm on my really boring work day.  It is caffeine free-if you dig that kind of life…..

3. Bottom right- effervescent tablet- Entertained by the science experimental fizzing in my cup, i decided to embark upon another sample today.  I have to volunteer in a kitchen serving people this evening and immunity from germs seems like a good option.  I feel ike the water/beverage is thicker than when it was water, an when it was the powder mix.  It is yellow and bubbly.  Again in the orange flavor….i feel like it has the consistency of jello prior to molding or gelatinized.  AAAHHHHHH!!!!! it fizzed!!!!!!!!!like all over my tongue!!!!!!!!  Weird!!!!!!!  the taste is not what i want and i am freaked out by the fizziness.  the other one was so00000o good-this one not so much.  I like mineral water (with gas, for my french friends), but I dont like my tap water with some funny powdery substance making it bizarrely fizzy. I’ll pass.  This should come with a warning.  And i really wish that you all could have been here or i recorded my crazy escapade with this stuff.  I am sure my facial expressions alone could have rendered my 15 min of fame.

4.Top middle- hot soothing mix- I am saving it until the next time i feel like crud.  I will report my findings at that time.  I am currently too weirded out by the last fiz bomb drink to continue…….

*addendum 2-23-12- I gave this (but not be for I tried it), to my daughter who has a head cold.  I though it was pretty flavorless, but it seemed to help clear her nasal passage (which coul dhave just been from the heat of the beverage).  She added additional honey and slices of lemon in order to really give it soothing flavor.  She enjoyed it.  I would not go out and get it for me, but I would go and get it for her, especially if she really feels it helps her feel better.

So all in all, two fo the four I would continue to use or would go out and purchase for me, a third I would go out and purchase for the well- being of my child and her cold.  Not too bad, Airborne!

 

Until next time-

 

C

 

The Root of all Evil: Resolution 2013 (MM)

Heyya lovlies!

This year things will change, though I do not think the change will be anything like the major changes that have occurred in the years past.  This year I want the changes to be simple, to be building upon continuous improvement to my already minimalist and environmentalist system.

Use it or lose it: Continuous Improvement to Minimalist Endeavors

This year my goal is to run a “zero waste” household.  I say it in quotations because it is highly improbable to live in an apartment in the city and be completely 0 waste, but i want to get us as close to 0 as possible. My goal is less than 5% household waste.  I will measure this by the number of bags of garbage and recycling taken out a week.  Currently we take out 2-4, 13 gallon bags every two days.  I want to  bring that down to 1 bag a week each of recycling and 1 bag garbage or less.  Going from at most 13 bags down to at most 2 bags a week is quite a difference- manageable but changing….

One of the things I have newly incorporated is taking the ends of veggies you typically shove down the garbage disposal, or softer veggies that you would normally discard, and using them.  I have a bag in the freezer I have labeled the “roots of all evil” and in it are the rough ends of onion, carrot, potato skins, celery ends, etc.  once i fill up the gallon size bag i boil it in either bean stock (the bean juice from cans of chili or black beans, which I also save and freeze) or salt pepper and about a quarter the depth of water to veggies in the pot.  Once soft I puree it.  It typically looks a green or bizarre rusty color, but it can be used as is or added to anything from roasts, slow cooker meals, soups, chili, or pasta/sauces.  You can added it to small bursts of things like spaghetti sauce to sneak attack anti-veggie kids or add noodles and chopped up other veggies to the puree to make a hearty winter soup.  We figured this over the course of a month would save us about 2-4 meals worth of main course meals-or roughly $50-75.00 a month, in our 7 person household.

One of the things my fantastic partner brought to the table,  is saving our frying oil for multiple uses.  We do not have a fryer, nor do we fry often, but when we doo it seems so foolish to throw away a few cups of oil on one meal.  Because oil is heated to a high temp when frying any and all potential bacteria will be burned off  during the current use and prior to the next use as it heats. Oil is a preservative, so molding is not a huge issue either. We have a separate labeled air tight container that we use for it.  Once the oil gets too chunky or cloudy we will discard it and start over, and clean out the container to begin again.  This is our first attempt at this but will probably render us about $20.00 in grocery savings a month.

Egg-shell calcium supplements- Egg shells contain great amounts of calcium.  And typically this great benefit to the egg is discarded or wasted- but it does not have to be.  Come spring, I typically buy my eggs from a local farmer every Sat morning otherwise, I buy Wisconsin (local) eggs at the store and avoid ones that have growth hormones added.  When I use an egg, I have a container in my fridge i throw the eggshells until i get through about 12 of them I do not store open shells with whole unused ones..  Then I lay them out on a sheet pan and cook them (any membrane insides left there are fine to leave on) and I cook them at 375 degrees for less than 15 min, pulling them out before they burn, but cooked long enough to kill bacteria and make them brittle-a little browning is fine. You can also boil them.  Then i grind them up in a coffee bean grinder until they are a fine powder and place it in a mason jar.  Every meal i make, or bread dough, etc i take and add 1/2 teaspoon of this powder to it to increase the calcium content and get my family closer to the daily needed amounts.  Of the seven of us, three do not drink milk or eat enough food with calcium, and one has a dairy restriction-so anything I can do to help them avoid brittling of their bones during the growth periods will do nothing but help.  I have attached a link to better assist:

http://thehealthyadvocate.com/2010/06/01/eggshells-a-bioavailable-source-of-calcium/

Egg Shells as a Bioavailable Calcium Source

Even though calcium isn’t the only mineral we need for strong bones, it is an important nutrient to consume to ensure adequate protection of them. Eggshells are about 90-95% calcium carbonate, and is easily absorbable by our bodies, unlike most dairy products and fortified foods today. This is a completely safe and health source of calcium that anyone can incorporate into their diets.

Find a source of locally grown, free range and organic eggs. The likeliness that you contract salmonella from raw eggs and egg shells are actually quite low, and in fact decrease when choosing local, free range organic eggs. In fact, nutrient quality (such as omega-3 fatty acids) are much more available in these eggs, compared to ones you find at the store.

Use the eggs as you normally would, and instead of discarding the egg shells, run them under clean, cool water. Make sure to get all the egg white out of the egg shell. You can then boil the egg shell in hot water, if you feel as though you need to kill any bacteria, and then place it in a place to air dry. Then, using a blender or coffee grinder, pulverize the egg shell into a powder.

1/2 tsp. of dry, powered egg shell contains around 400 mg of calcium. The average person should consume around 1000 mg of calcium, which is easily done if you are eating a proper diet.

or this may help:

http://nourishedmagazine.com.au/blog/articles/how-to-make-calcium-using-egg-shells

How to Make Powdered Eggshells:

1. Wash empty eggshells in warm water until all of the egg white is removed, but do not remove the membrane because it contains important nutrients for the joints which helps arthritis.
2. Lay broken pieces out on paper towels and allow them to air dry thoroughly.
3. Break the eggshells up into small pieces, and grind them to into a fine powder in a food processor, blender, coffee grinder, or a nut mill, or put them in a plastic bag and use a rolling pin to grind them. Please note that some blenders will not grind the eggshell into a fine enough powder. A coffee grinder works the best.
4. Store powdered eggshells in a covered glass jar or container.  Keep it in a dry place, like the kitchen cupboard.

Employment Goals:

The other thing I want to do is teach.  I have applied at many a private school in this area.  The pay is significantly less but the ability to teach the importance of moral code, ethics, environmental and healthy food goals to the youth of today and the adults of tomorrow is worth it to me.

The “You Grow Girl! model/goal:

My last and final goal is to grow “city girl style” meaning that I have no plot of land to grow viable food on, but I have plenty of space internal to grow in.

I have started the process of obtaining a christmas light garden.  I bought soil and a large storage tote and red LED lights.  I need seeds, LED blue lights and electricity and I should be able to grow in there, with the lid on the same way the sun grows things out side, just without needing weather to assist or demise my crops.  I am going to start with beans and carrots and move on from there if it works.

I would also like to try a hydroponic herb grower for the herbs I use very frequently and like fresh.

Currently growing/fermenting, etc:

Temprenillo -due late 2013/2014

A trappist-style beer-due 2014

Belgian “orange” beer- due 2013

Portobella mushroom kit-Mycellium is in initial stages-first crop expected feb 2013.

 

So, as you can see we are off to a busy year so far already only a few days in to the new year.  I look forward to hearing your ideas and thoughts as we continue on another year of life style changes in search of a more fulfilling life experience.  Thank you all for following in 2012! happy 2013!

 

Minimal Mommy says:

Make life an expereince-not a burden.

 

 

The Ex in the Element.

My ex and i have been divorced officially for three years.  He left me two years before that, I just did not have the heart to file  the papers sooner, nor did he.  Our relationship from day one was a series of red flags and questionable pairings, but to us both there was something worth working for and sharing, at least for a little while.  We shot-gun wedding’d it in 2003.  The following year was terrible-we lost our child, we lost our jobs due to the corporation going bankrupt, we were nearly evicted, I was pregnant again high risk, and we were broke.  He was an alcoholic, and extremely social, he loved his friends and the bar life.  I was a niaeve, 18-year-old in love with a tough, fast talking, Marine, 7 years my senior.  He pulled me out of my element, told me it was ok to let loose and have fun, and just plain live, without worry.  I was a college student, and his ticket to having a “sugar momma”.  He always worked very hard.  Many times he held down two jobs, one at a machine shop and one at a bar.  He loved the bar world, on both sides.  He always did his best to provide, but he drank too much always.  I tried for years to get him help, to refocus his mind to schooling, and to other things, but to no avail….back to the bar he went.  When we were comfortable financially and I asked him to give up bartending, he said no.  When I asked him to seek counciling for the third or fourth time, after i found a condom in his car, he said ok, but instead of going to AA, I followed him to other bars.  As did I have someone else follow him another time to make sure it was not just a one time thing. we went to counseling, he went through one full session and walked out of the second and stopped going because he did not like what she said to him, and I completed the cycle.  Then for christmas 2007, he dropped a bomb on us.    He re-enlisted in the service and left the following feb.  He returned for short “weeks” sporadically, and then would continue asking me why i stayed married to him.  Then in 2009, we decided to meet up one more time, on his terms, in Cali and see if there was anything left to save.  There was not.  we were two different people, he had been unfaithful, and would not give up drinking, and that was not something i was ok with or our kids dealing with.  I came home, I took a month to think and work things out in my head, and research what was the best way to not harm the children long tem, and after one last yelling match on the phone, I filed the papers. I was in denial, I did not want to admit i failed or enabled him to live this life, and there was no where for me to really go with him from there.

The divorce was very simple and was done short and quick.  Basically it came down to he wanted the stuff, and I wanted the kids.  He signed off rights to the kids, had/has no set visitation other than christmas day, and the rest is history.  Sometimes he calls and says I have a free day can I take the kids? And if nothing is going on I hand them over.  Our way is non conventional but for us it works.  He is the “fun guy” and i am the strict mean mom.  I am there for the everyday and the all day and the sickness and health, etc.  he gets them when they are at their best for the fun of it.  I have forgiven him for the way our world ended, and forgiven myself for being complacent and enabling, and failing. I have learned from my mistake.

And sometimes, he calls and says hey! I am working at the restaurant, you want to bring the girls in?  Many times we go, I still enjoy watching him tend bar.  It definitely is what he is good at.  You can see the focus, the fun, and a man in his element.   He gets paid to do what he loves-talk and drink. And he is happy with his life.  And I am happy for him.

Killing competition: If there are no “losers” how can there be “winners”?

….and to think all of this came from a song and a preteen child…..

Here is the story (off of my personal FB status this morning):

“I love FB for the sole reason that even if i had no friends, to witness, it allows me to time and date stamp things in my life. Like Jolie’s path through preteen hormones. This morning she sang, the entire “dream on” Aerosmith song. Amazingly the only thing that went right were the lyrics-for which she knew them ALL. other than that: not one note on key, not one note held even close to duration, nor tone, and also including some form of rock star motion, invisi-microphone yielding, head gestures, etc. She was unwaivered by the passersby in other cars giving her funny looks, and I was embarrassed for her. At the songs conclusion, she bursts in to hysterical laughter and starts almost disco dancing with in the limitations of the front seat of the car. Given this, i have a feeling the next few years are going to be, well, um, interesting.”

But it was while she sang the words, something of extreme importance hit me about this song, and although much phrasing would be considered cliché, these are valuable lessons our american society is straying away from.

This song took the lead singer, Steven Tyler, about 6 years to write.  It was on the debut album (c 1973) for Aerosmith and was a radioesque-ballad,when majority of their songs were stage presence-rock.  I have bolded the lines that I am/will be focusing on.

“Dream On”

Every time that I look in the mirror

 All these lines on my face getting clearer

 The past is gone

 It went by like dusk to dawn

 Isn’t that the way

 Everybody’s got their dues in life to pay

 

Yeah, I know nobody knows

 Where it comes and where it goes

 I know it’s everybody’s sin

 You got to lose to know how to win

 

Half my life’s in books’ written pages

 Live and learn from fools and from sages

 You know it’s true

 All the things you do, come back to you

If everyone is a winner, then what incentive do people have to win?  If people want to win, but are no accolades for their win or the hard work necessary for winning, then why try harder.  There then is no competition to be the best, and to disincentive to be the worst.

Losing builds character.  Winning builds character.  Being in the middle, second, or second to last builds competition to be better, also building drive, and character.  disappointment is good.  Failure is good but winning is better.  The results of either and the way we learn to compose ourselves and what to do with it all as we grow are the dues we have to pay in life.  the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Do you want an “average” surgeon?  If you are wrongly accused of commiting a crime, do you want an attorney who got the second to lowest score on their senior exams, etc?

Some of the best athletes in life failed to make their “a” squads or the team at all.  Michael Jordan being one of them.  And not everyone is cut out to do every job, not should they feel or be taught they have the “right” to a position they are unqualified for.

And the Cycle repeates: You v. someone/thing + incentive = competition

So while I was in my latter years of undergrad studying philosophy, economics, and sociology/cultural anthropology, believe it or not there are basic principles of humanity that did, do, are, were, and continue to be present and utilized as important through out each of the disciplines.  The interdisciplinary factors most discussed throughout all of them are “cycles,” “incentive,” and “competition.”  Realistically could humanity have advanced at all with out all or any of the three?  Could it have prospered, united, asked and acted upon why and what if, to advance to better safety, efficiency, effective transportation to encourage long distance trade, wealth, cultural alliance, collaboration, development, influence, etc.? The formula above can be substituted in anything in life.  It is the stimuli and the response.  It is Murphy’s laws of motion.  It is nature or nurture or both.  Fight, flight, or freeze.  It doesn’t matter.  Without incentive, there is nothing.  If you take the formula and increase incentive, competition also always increases and the weak fall out of the market/society/or cycle system.  But you cannot increase competition with out also increasing incentive.  They do not work in reverse. This is where “merit” comes in.  Those who are work harder, are better, stronger, more successful, etc. should be rewarded higher, compensated higher, etc.

The purple pen (better known as “stop purple penning them”)

My partner and I joke about this all of the time.  During my master’s courses in education, in parallel to my children entering grade school and middle school, I was flabbergasted at this new idea that children’s papers should not be graded in red pen, because red checkmarks hurt their self-development.  Papers will now be graded in purple pen because it is easier on their ego.  That and children under 4th grade will not be given letter grades.  What the HELL!

This goes the same for parenting.  what is wrong with a parent telling a child no or don’t do that. A tap on the hand if the hand is committing the crime,  Why is it up for discussion, or immense disappointment.  below are two conversations:

Johnny, please do not touch that.

why?

because that is not yours to play with.

but i want to, *reaches*

johnny, i said do not touch that, please do not touch that.

*reaches and touches it*

Johnny i told you not to touch, you need to listen to your mom. Please do not make me punish you. *moves him from reach.*

*screams bloody murder*

I do not like it when you act like this.

*cries harder*

*hand him toy, electronic, or candy. to make it stop and not be embarrassed.*

or

Johnny, don’t touch that, it is not yours to play with.

but i want to, *reaches*

*hand smack*

I said no-end of story.

*kid cryies the first few times, then realizes it is in vain*

—————–

This also goes for having “the important” conversations with your teens.  Birds and bees, driving, after graduation, etc.  Having expectations for your children, and borders rules, and the like is good.  I call Shane the “purple pen parent.”  Where as i sit down at the table, go over health class/birds and bees conversations with my nearly 12-year-old while both of us are red-faced, near tears embarrassed and suffering through every word of homework that needs to be signed off by the parent before the child can sit through health class in school, he- asks them if the read it and signs off without incident.

I tell my kids they have no choice in the matter.  If they can come up with a reasonable argument why my position of a decision is wrong, and they approach me respectfully and adult like many times we are both allowed a moment to think through each others mentality and fears, and the like. Sometimes the answer changes, sometimes it does not.  Respect is maintained (although sometimes it gets close to not) and communications increasingly improved. He has a child that will just walk away, or say i don’t know and get up and leave.  He approaches later and says “i really don’t like that way you handled that.”  Then nothing more.  No consequence, no force, not nothing but avoidance of what is necessary.  Not parenting.  Parenting is hard.

I am the strict one.  I am the disciplinarian.  I am the forward thinking, self-reliance pushing, competitive driving, force behind my kids.  I want them to do what they enjoy, enjoy what they do, and be good at it too.  Grades, music, sports, chores, manners, it doesn’t matter what frontier or plane it falls upon i have worked very hard to ensure and build upon the necessary character traits my children were born with to ensure that they have the stepping-stones to be successful.  I have put them in environments that support the nurture of things i find important to their societal function and overall resilience and adaptability to the ever-changing adult world.  When they get there, the will have the confidence to go, try, do, find their niche, and blossom.  unfortunately he has done nothing to ensure this success for his.  They see him run from conversations with them and their mother, and they do the same.  I raise my voice and they scatter, even if it is directed at improving them.

Part of this problem is a common result of divorce.  No parent wants to be the bad guy.  He is afraid if he is the bad guy his kids will turn away from him.  this is also why we have a society of the weak.  Gen x and Gen y are the first generations made up of children that grew up in the 50%+ divorce rate.  This did two things: one it made the children (now adults) second guess marriage and childbearing  delaying both or just cohabitation, on one side, but on the flip made options of divorce and the process look easy and a way out.  I’d also say part of the problem is the father daughter relationship.  Shane walks away at the first inclination of conflict with his first born girl.  My dad did the same. My ex husband does the same.  Boyz…..i think it is time to MAN UP!

I am very fortunate.  My children’s father is almost entirely out of the picture.  And he likes it that way, as do I.  He never “has to have them by court orders,” when he calls and wants to take them his full and vested interest is on those kids and enjoying and having fun with them.  Because of the relationship and determined roles I always am the bad guy and their dad is fun.  This way the kids never suffer.  Never have to choose a side or a favorite.  We utilize the other to maximize the greater good for them both.  That is ok, just because I also am the one who stays up to wash their clothes and uniforms, buy their clothes and take them to all of their sports, and screams and cries at the table with them when the homework is too hard, i am also the drive, I am the stable party.  The consistent party.  The rules and regulations, the expectation and the consequence, the support, and the everyday love.  I am the dictator and the teddy bear.  I push them to their highest and hold them tightest at their lowest. I make them see all that they can do and that they have to be grateful for. I am there when they win and there when they fail.  I am the red pen and the trophy.  And only time will tell on society and my kids…..

Until next time,

C

Participation trophys/Kids keep track.

Giving participation trophys is probably a greater sin than “purple pen grading.”  Although both situations disincentivize top performance.

1. kids keep track.  whomever parents/coaches etc says tha we are going to play a fun game wand not keep score-just because the adult feels good about not writing down the score-the kids keep track.  Adults, you are fools to think otherwise.

2.  just because you win, you want something, a tangible symbol of your win, over or larger or more distinctive that the “losers.”  IF everyone gets a medal or a ribbon, then the winners should be bigger.  It is not enough just to “say or know” you were the winner.  that accolade, that symbol means that you officially did it. this drives the non winners to succeed, and keeps the winners competitive to maintina good forward progress and consistanct to maintian their top performance.

IF we do not understand the pain of losing, the drive or competition it generates, or the sense of acomplishment of winning-we will never amount to anything other than average.

COmpetition and education also go hand in hand.

Why is america failing to educate-standardized tests, social interaction (play) and the purple pen rule.

Project Step Family: How to’s and Misconceptions.

 

Hello and i hope you are all fully fat and happy after the gluttony of the weekend for those of us in the US.  Thanksgiving was this weekend, and it is a holiday of giving thanks (historically to the native americans for helping the european settlers survive) but it has become a larger symbol, especially during recessionary times, of giving thanks for the blessing you do have, from what has been provided to you, and what your hand has provided to others.    It is also a time of and for family.  The good, the bad, and well, the ugly.

Families can be made up of a series of different strands.  You have nuclear families, extended families, foster families, adoptive families, half of families, no families, and step families.  Typically and under ideal social constructs-you have a nuclear family-a husband, a wife, and their children.  When those children grow the marry and have their own nuclear family and split holiday time between their partners extended family and theirs.  This is clean and easy.  But it is not the very real normal.

Single parenting (or half a family) is extremely common and is more often than not of a woman run household and environment.  There are some dad’s too however.  but what is nice about these is there more than typically is not visitation issues in the already stressful holiday mix.

Divorcee’s are also a type of single parenting/half a family- and can turn your two family extended holiday in to four families vying for holiday celebration time pretty quickly, especially if the previous partners have re-partnered up.  And with this one there is also conflicts in visitaions that are systematic until the holiday throws them off.

I(we) are extremely lucky.  I have been a single parent for majority of my children’s existence.  Even for the years that my children’s father and I were married in the middle of it all, his participation and attendance was minimal.  Between his alcoholism, bartending, social life affairs, and then the military, there was not a fleeting chance of success in this marriage unless i stayed ignorant or he matured.  Neither occurred.  :).  Upon our divorce, he granted me full everything, with no visitation necessary and pretty much signed off his children (the court would not allow termination completely), unless he calls and says- hey can i see them today, i have some free time.  Thus-there is never any conflict for visitation, I hand them over to him if they are free and he brings them back when he is tired.  The only holiday he wanted to be guaranteed to see them- Christmas day.  That is it.  Easy and agreed.

My partner, Shane and his ex are really laid back.  They have joint parenting responsibilities.  They have set days for the kids, which they flip around every so often due to commitments and school, and holidays, and the like.  Neither is in competition to have them or top this or whatever.  They pretty much don’t care ever.

So because of our differing set ups-his kids are with us at least 1/2 of the time, many times more, and my kids are with us ALL of the time. And this is where things get crazy.  None of the following includes serious issues of abuse or danger of any kids.  These are just for the simple everyday type)

1. Just because you live under one roof, you do not become one solid nuclear family unit.  Thinking you can is just going to set you up for disappointment.

•      You are still two separate families.  You always will be.  Governed by your “biological parent” and the other adult in the house-the other children’s parent. Depending on how old the children are-this can cause significant issues when the rules change.
• Your partner and you should speak before moving in about rules and expectations of your and your partners families.  from concerns, to changes, to how holidays will change etc.  Then you both need to communicate these to your children and to your extended families.  Giving them time and options-not you demanding they do what you want.  You need to create a solid disciplinary state.  This does not change regardless of nuclear or step family.

 

2. It is your extended families individual choice to allow the new children in or not.  It is your choice as your children’s parent to accept or decline.  In our case, his family accepted my children in and I declined. 

• I do not feel my children need nor should be an additional inconvenience  to the pocketbooks of another.  This is my choice, as they have and get plenty.   Shane’s mother wont listen to me however.  But that is her right and I am grateful to her for welcoming in the three of us with open arms. My family-not so beneficial.  They not only did not accept him nor his kids in, but they cut ties to us for moving in with him.  As it was bad enough that I got divorced (regardless of the reasons), but worse that i had moved on and wanted to start anew.  Das vidanya they says to us…..  It is however their right to do this.  I just wish they would have communicated their fears before the smack down.

3. Change is ALWAYS hard.  Change takes time.

• People have issues with change.  Give them time to see and feel change, why it is important and occurring, and then to change.

4. Respect each other.

• Respect your partner and stand up for them.  Do not be afraid on the side to talk to them later about how maybe it could have better been handled.
• If religions and customs differ, realize that all people are entitled to believe in wat they want or nothing at all- at the end of the day it is still a belief. regardless if it is in something, or nothing.  It is still the act of believing. And everyone hs faith in something.  Be it in god, in family, in religion, in the govt, and their job, and humanity, the sun, whatever.  Faith in self or something are necessary to give purpose.
• DO NOT POKE FUN nor make jokes about religion or politics, etc.  To each his own.  And although you many not need it in your life, or maybe you were not taught better, or maybe your defense is to poke fun of what you fear knowing-it is not a good practice to do with anything.

5. Fair, equal, and the explaining the great divide.

• Things are not equal, but we try to be fair.
• No one is too old or to “tired” to do chores. (because my children only have one house-they do the most chores around mine/ours.  Shane’s kids have to do chores at their mothers, and that seems to include everything-so at ours I try to limit what they have to do so they expect it- one always does the trash/washes the floor, one always vacuums and sweeps, and the third fills in the mix with my two with dishwasher and laundry and dusting.  I clean the bathroom.  Shane Irons.  We both cook.  We all are responsible for cleaning and keeping clean our closet and rooms.
• No one is entitled to nor deserves anything.  If you are 15+ and you still depend on your parents for housing, food, clothing, and everything lese due to no job or no ambitions, you might as well be five and you will follow the house rules.  You don’t like them, or lie/sneak around them-there is the door.  Even at 15, if life is so bad the courthouse it about 3 blocks away- we will gladly sign your emancipation papers for a child that “knows better.” We will be here for you when you do.

 

 

When conflicts arise:

To become and maintain silence during conflict does two things: it makes known an issue is there and it delays talking about it until AFTER the children or others have left the premises.  realize silence or biting of the tongue, helps you not fly off the handle-and/or say things you mean for only the minute you say them.

There is only one real problem with silence during issue.  The topic needs to get brought back up in order to fix the original issue.  By ignoring it or forgetting about it it will happen again.

Realize also that children of divorce fear parental fighting.  They know it happens and will occur at times.  I tell my kids that some fighting is good (not physical of course), and like siblings, they occur from a conflict of interests or the feeling that one person is not holding up their end of the mutual bargain.  But I also tell them that there are beneficial fights and not beneficial ones.  IF you are out to hurt the other person-that is damaging and not beneficial if you are fighting to fix something that will have long-term benefits if fixed- that is constructive and beneficial fighting.  The manner that this occurs determines whether any marriage, be it first or tenth, makes it through the long haul or ends.

Try this technique the next time your partner does something wrong or takes disrespect from their child in your presence and it goes unhandled.  Or if you disagree with the way it was handled all together.  Then later, say that there is something important you would like to discuss, and then do so in the privacy of your room.  Speak calmly and give examples of what was wrong, what could result from continual behaviors of that sort, and how you would have handled it differently and why.  Give them a chance to explain their logic or thought and come to a consensus.

 

Change does not happen overnight.  I know in the time that has elapsed since the big move in, there have been exciting changes to his children.  His children were not ever bad.  They were just disrespectful toward him and had minimal for table manners, cleaning of the house and room, and were lazy and entitiled.  My children brought additional age appropriate sassy mouths to the table, along with tinges of selfishness, and inability to knock on closed doors….. 🙂

We have only had a few issues of conflicting parentingisms.  As much as we have tried and did try to touch on every situation we could think of before moving in, sometimes life gives us options we overlooked.  One such case was vegetables.   I make my kids eat at least two, even if they don’t like them.  My children would never hide them, nor put them in a napkin and throw them out, because if i saw them do it or found out, they would have to eat it out f the garbage disposal or the trash can.  Sneaking in such a manner is as good as lying and is very disrespectful.  I told you to do something, and you did not.  My partner, when this occurred had a hard time in the beginning seeing this way, because he didn’t want a fight or tears.  But i explained to him he was too good of a dad to be treated like that.  she basically said-screw you dad-you can tell me to do what yo want but in reality i will nod and just do what i want anyways.  That seemed to make it more clear. So, when it was brought up at the table again, and one child wanted to check the napkin of my child, my daughter said  that she would never do that because her mom would make her eat it out of the garbage for lying and being disrespectful.   And I sat there, proud of her for understanding WHY that was a punishable offense, as everyone ate dinner and the pasta I had made with an emulsified cream sauce containing the vegetables of issue from the previous day.  🙂 Some would argue that it is a gross form of child abuse, or cruel and unusual, to make them eat it out of the sink or trash.   In this case the punishment fits the crime to a tee.  The child had the choice to eat it or the choice to disrespect their parent.  They chose to throw it out and not eat it.  They still have to eat it, because that was what was originally asked of them by their parent who worked hard to provide for them and they the child made the choice where they removed it to. Therefore, you teach about lying, hiding/sneaking, waste, and consequence all at one time.  Things every child needs to know and much more solid of a lesson envoking the reasons of action, and consequence for the exact situation that occured.  Putting a kid on time out for not eating and lying about their food does nothing for them.  Teaching the how and why has a better and more lasting affect and can allow the dots to be connected from begining to end; the situation, the options, the consequence, and why understanding this process is important and can be applied to other events in the future, latent items like waste, consumption, sustainability, environment, the poor who wish they could sit her to a warm meal, even if it is something they dont like, etc.

 

I am stubborn and Shane is selfish.  Neither of us likes loud noises, nor fighting, nor confrontation. I nipped my kids issues early, so there is minimal for confrontation now-just an occasional teenage sassy mouth, disorganization,  a bad grade, etc. He is having a hard time nipping what the precedence has already be set for.  But we keep the rules the same for all the children under OUR home.  There are solid rules and there are by-family rules.  The dinner rules are posted.  And the individual parental expectations remain the same-mine higher for my kids than his are for his.  But that is ok. It is ok to have different rules.  And although it is met with a bit of whine or unfairness from my kids, i explain to them that I am their parent-what i say goes.  It is my job to raise good and self-reliant functional and always striving for better children.  I choose to push you hard and harder, if he does not want to take the time to do that to his kids, that is ok as long as it is not detrimental to my parenting of you.   I think he is a lazy parent, and he thinks I am too strict and mean.  But we both are very good at forgiving and teaching forgiveness and we both want the best for our kids.  Forgiveness is a power struggle, like all the others.  When you hold in that hurt, the antagonist hold control over your mind and you are weak.  When you forgive, they no longer have the power to harm or hurt you.  And people make mistakes.  It is what you do after them that tells the world you are.

All in all, step parenting ideally is a blend of two households in a manner that encourages the success of the children by being able to take the best rules and intentions of both worlds, enlisting them and keeping them strong and consistent or new and important, and leaving those that damage or are done just to duct tape cope, behind.  You both want the best for your kids, but it needs to be their best, not yours, and they need to be pushed-some more than others, to test the limits of what they think they can or cannot do-to prove to them they can do more than that.  They can surpass limits set for them or by them-with the right amount of support, love, and occasional gasoline thrown on the fire.

 

Good luck and let me know if you have questions or situations you would like me to try and help with.

until next time,

C