To let go or to be let go, that is the question…….

On Tuesday of last week, I was notified my position was being disbanded and i would be laid off effective May 1st.  Now, to most people this would be hurtful and disheartening, and a true gut check.  But to me, it is a blessing.  I have worked in only two fields during the course of my working life- food service and metals manufacturing.    During the 2008 economic meltdown i was only one of 5 overhead office employes that was not laid of or terminated out of the 30 I worked with. I left that job for two reasons, a conflict of interest in my personal life and there was not upward mobility.  It has been over two years since i left to go to another local machine shop, again with no upward mobility, way smaller, and in continual decline of work.  So much so that in the last year I have spent most of the 45 hours on the clock doing personal things and building my internet company and image, as the ok of my employer, as there really is nothing to do.  The owner and i spoke briefly a few times over the last year, each time i asked for more work and more responsibility, and each time he would try to find something, but at some point we both had to draw the line that creating work for someone when doing it yourself is more efficient is not in the best interest of the company.  I found it good that i could always be candid with him.  I told him that truthfully he did not need all four of us in the office.  Really he only needed two and they would still both have “free time.”  I told him i felt bad doing my own stuff, and he said well hopefully that is temporary, as 2013 should be better…. well a qtr deep in to 2013 and we have laid off everyone in the shop we could to still fulfil production goals, and the overhead was next… meaning me.  I have been bored and unhappy here for the last year because of the lack of work and purpose.  I know as an employee anywhere you can be replaced, but as an employee i want to feel passionate that the work i am doing is for the greater good of my employer.  My direct boss is also a huge concern of mine.  And not being under his thumb is more than uplifting….

Now, as a teen mom who has done only work since the day my child was born- not working is a bit frightening to me.  ONce upon a time I stayed at home with my children when they were small, and went to school, while their father worked two and three jobs for u.  I went back to work once i graduated because i was supposed to be the breadwinner then….flash forward to today i will ot be working.  My partner will be.  What do i do?!?!

Never you fear!!!!!!

 

Where there is time- I will fill it.  I am SO SUPER LUCKY right now i could shout it from the rooftops.  Although we will have less income, I have lived with way less income during times in my life than right now.  Had this happened even a year ago i would e so stressed and sick and freaking out it would have been terrible.  But because of my partner, his work ethic and positive attitude- we will be ok.  He said, well i guess this is your sign to apply yourself to what you love!  We will figure out the rest…we can do it.

So…..

I  feel about a bazillion times better.  And i am accountable to him during this time.  IF i spend too much, if i am being lazy around the house, or dont bring in enough from my online business, he will get on my back about it.  IF i feel like he is slacking, i will do the same.  W again, have talked it over-BEFORE issue and we set a plan in place FOR the upcoming situation.  There is accountability, responsibility, and faith in one another that neither of us will shoot the other in the foot.

I will still apply for jobs, but will target jobs that fit my expertise instead of “whatever” and i will finish my Real estate schooling, spend time with my kids, go out and market my advocacy programs, and Rock my small business out!  Bring in some clients and Teach people about minimalist endeavors, and the environmental fun of healthy living, relationships,and getting your hands active and dirty instead of lazy and idle.

🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Un)doing the Hype: How Social Familial Constructs Doom the Step-Family.

We are human.  My partner Shane, and I, have put ourselves in a statistically unsound decision.  We have assembled a household of two autonomous families under one roof, with different expectations and different mentalities in whole-not in part and theoretically speaking, polar opposites and therefore against all odds potentially doomed to fail.

Some people would say- who cares if social constructs doom a remarriage or step family you should never have been there to begin with.  you are living in sin, etc.  While I understand that POV and perspective-you cannot tango with one person.  It takes two.  If one leaves or one had no respect or regard for the other-what examples does that set for the children and their future thoughts on relationships.  Sometimes good-bye is a second chance, and a time to self examine you as part of a problem.

 

Intro to the past:

Shane and I have both been married before, early in our youth.  Both with the expectation of wedded bliss and that a person could change or we were worth changing for.  We were young, our previous partners were young, and we were invincible, had shot-gun weddings……But like 51% of marriages, we both failed.  The interesting part is both of our partner’s left us, yet we were the filers of the divorce papers.  So really, given the context of societal expectation and religious expectation-neither one of us should be where we are now- breathing down the face of a second marriage.  So why would we do it again?  I swore up and down i would not do it ever again.  It was not worth it, it was not what i wanted it to be, la dee, la.  He always though it was possible for him to remarry at some point, but it had to be the right person, and the relationship had to take time.  Due to the fact we are both Social science majors, we took it upon ourselves to really self examine our parts in the failure.  What was it that made us not appealing, made them seek out others for fulfillment, that we were not giving, and the like.  When we talk about it now he says he failed by becoming complacent, and did not get involved with the money and bill paying until it was really bad (near bankruptcy) and then fights would erupt. He was there, she was there, and that was just how life would be- happy, miserable, or anywhere inbetween-he said i do and that is what he would just deal with.  I however, was an enabler with extremely high expectations.  My former partner had a drinking problem.  I thought he would stop drinking for me and our kids. I though he would/could change.  He worked a ton of hours, and i went to school.  We both worked for what we though would make us happy-the two cars, nice home, kids in private school, and sports, and the like.  I kept our house super clean, his laundry done and ready for the 5 minutes at home between jobs clothing change, and a hot meal on the table-everyday.  But once we hit it, we had nothing in common.  He watched tv and drank, or wanted to go out with his friends, and I wanted to stay home in our world we created, and read.  He was social, I was not.  So to keep him home I would make sure the house was fully stocked-from pop and rum/whiskey to beers of various sorts.    What I though would keep him home, worked in part, except that he would bring his friend’s home as well after they stopped at the bar after work on the way home.  When things broke in the house, I expected him to fix it.  He did not know how, so I would either do it my self, or call my dad-which made him feel dumb and useless, and I adding insult to injury, would get on his case for it.  I pushed him to go back to school, something he did not want to do.  And when he left, he said he needed a break-he couldn’t be who I wanted him to be.   So this begs the question-why once both of us hit home ownership, kids, cars, and life as we were taught to seek-did things fail?  Some people say faith/religion was not as important a feature in our lives to hold us together, some could say that it was maturity, and other still say expectation and reality did not match and the continuation of a relationship stood on change-something that is ill-fated to rely on.

Because we have both been in this terrible place in a relationship with another person, staring down the possibility that this was a wrong move, or a bad decision, or I made a mistake, or they changed, what happened to happily ever after, etc. we still have our insecurities.  We know what we want, we know what it looks and feel like because we both passed through that multiple times before.  But the persons we were with prior did not have what we have- and that is diligence, that is hanging on through thick and thin.  And although there are times I may not like him so much I still love him and I cannot imagine my life without him.  And I think as long as that is there-and the knowledge that issues will happen at times, it does not have to be the be all end all- and if we work TOGETHER to change, things will be ok.  The difference is now, neither expect the other to change, growth occurs together, and we are both extremely motivated to better ourselves individually, yet push the other one more.  But lets explore what happens next. When two people fall in love-post divorce-post kids- post life ever after…..

Thinking distinctly at each part:

We are taught and what is implied as good: You go to school, once you leave HS, you go to college or get a job or join the military.  Then one man and one woman fall in love.  You get married, buy a house, and have kids, get a pet, have two cars, your kids grow up, have school and extra curricular, and eventually leave, and your sell the house, downsize, retire, vacation and golf, dote on your grand children, and die- TOGETHER-same husband same wife.

What actually occurs:

50% get divorced in the first marriage.

60% get divorced after marrying for the second time.

73% get divorced after marrying for a third time.

1% of same sex couples that are legally married get divorced per year while 2% plus of heterosexual couples get divorced per year on average.

Statistics on the Likelihood of Divorce

If your parents are happily married, your risk of divorce decreases by 14 percent.

People who wait to marry until they are over the age of 25 are 24 percent less likely to get divorced.

Living together prior to getting married can increase the chance of getting divorced by as much as 40 percent.

If you’ve attended college, your risk of divorce decreases by 13 percent.

2008 voter data shows that “red” states (states that tend to vote Republican), have higher divorce rates than “blue” states (states that tend to vote Democrat).

The Barna Research Group measured divorce statistics by religion. They found that 29 percent of Baptists are divorced (the highest for a US religious group), while only 21 percent of atheists/agnostics were divorced (the lowest).

We are in love, we are best friends.  Our kids are not.  We asked them to share in our happiness and devotion to each other and they cannot, or don’t want to, or feel slighted by each other for favoritism or spite.  There is a lot of resent among the children-this primarily due to the lifestyles that they have lived and using those to gauge and categorize the others with in it.  We remedy this by being ok with each other parenting their own kids autonomously, with parental crossovers occurring in regard to talking back, respect for each other, chores, and things we have up on the manner board.  It sounds like more work on paper, but what it does is keeps things consistent to previous expectations AND blended in that the blended items are things all children should learn anyways i.e chewing with the mouths closed, please, thank you, and respect for others.

So in closing, to each their own.  BE conscious of what your verbal and non verbal cues are setting for examples for children.  While is seems difficult, truthfully having things remain consistent in the home is the best thing for the kids involved-when combining two familial units in to one house, well slow and steady compromise, well noted expectations with real life consequences, and time to understand from all sides really is the only way to keep something on the fringes of “good” in society beneficial.  Failure once, does not mean failure a second time.  If you put the necessary self-examination, patience, and time in to all of the parts.  And truly understand that you may love your partner, but you will never be, nor will they be or replace the actual parents your outside children you brought in, have.

C

 

Works cited:

http://www.mckinleyirvin.com/blog/divorce/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/

Starting a small business or just trying to make (extra) money? Minimal mommy says: Let’s make a plan.

So I officially hit my 100th sale in Dec 2012.  That was my first year in ” almost official business.”  This is both thrilling and frightening for me.

Below I  will give you links to my outlets of sale, the process I have seen work the best at least for me, and the applications I use for analytics and the like.  You will see a ton of familiar companies, and some I use for not so familiar options.  So lets begin the how to’s of URP and Dragonliliyarts.

Creativity DOES take courage!  Putting yourself out there, marketing, and the like takes courage.  People will love you but realize they will also hate you.  That is ok. To each their own.

https://www.etsy.com

Etsy.com is a great place to sell and showcase art and vintage things.  It is easy to use and allows for a multitude of options from upcycled items, to art as both we know it and OMG! why did i not thing of that!  I have a site on there under “dragonlilyarts.”  I have sold both art and storage products, and one vintage item. I have also made a purchase through there.  There is a lot to choose from and many options.  Being distinctive is the key to being found in a search!

https://www.pinterest.com

Pin board fun!!!!  I market flood my listings from etsy, ebay, and my blogs to pinterest.  I pin other people’s boards to mine and they me.  I get a ton of fantastic and stellar ideas to live a more earth friendly and minimalist-almost 0 waste lifestyle.  And i see what has worked for me and what i absolutely love.  I clean out boards of the “slackers” and the no longer applies” about once every quarter in order to maintain a fresh and organized digi-image.

Do not put off what you can do today, for tomorrow, unless it is 11:59pm and you are still working on your entrepreneurial adventures, and you have to use the restroom.

https://www.amazon.com

https://www.ebay.com

https://www.craigslist.com

SELL SELL SELL!!! as the end of the year approaches clean out your house.  Split the times in to four categories: keep, garbage, donate, and sell.  Each of the listings above give you prime availability with the right wording and the key words to market your products and show up in  main page listings.  Amazon and ebay pay good money to move up in key “eye catching” listing spots on search engine front pages: use it to your advantage.  Also the is the time of year to really begin to plan for the next, start clean, and in a lifestyle change focus.  you are the most ambitious at this time of the year to advocate a change-as this is the time to set new years resolutions.  Also the more you donate the more you can get rebates in your taxes, or pay less to uncle sammo….. everything you own that is worth the time to sell can be listed on at least one if not all three of the above places.  Make it a mission.  Dont be afraid to tell the buyer in the listing why you are selling it.  Many of my listings include that the proceeds from each sale go to fund my children’s extra curricular activities as well as both URP and Minimal Mommy.  some of my earlier ones just plain said “moving must sell!”

Ask yourself:

do you need it?

do you want it/sentimental?

what good will it do for you?

Then determine your next step: keep, sell, donate, throw-out.

My new years resolutions each year have been simple and doable.  That is important to allow change to occur overtime and stay, not fall, off the wagon.  I have been living and formulating URP and the inclusive minimal mommy (mm) voice before put names to them.  It has been about 12 years, each year adding a new pc to the puzzle, streamlining, trying new things and removing others.

Payment and Analytics:

www.paypal.com

www.outright.com

Both are a division of ebay but they allows you to incorporate your other host sites to their free-flood of information.  Because of this I have a one stop shop to invoice people whom are interested in items on non paypal sites, I can study my sales and expenditures, and i can see what months which sites and demands seem to peak for me.  I can make, create, or edit preformed labels for my income, rainy day savings, or expenses, and it gives ma rough idea of what I will owe in taxes, if at all.

I tell everyone my largest asset is the ability to take something and multitask it in to an effective and efficient usage of time, but that I also thoroughly enjoy calm time to be real and enjoy life.  We only have one life. Enjoying it and doing what we love, while being self-reliant and responsible is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves and the world around us. Part of starting your own business is drive and love.  You need to be motivated.  You almost work off of the high of excitement that something you love doing you can also make money doing.  because let’s face it, you need money to live.  But in order to start your own “thing” you need passion.  You need to believe in what you do whole heartedly.  You need to be comfortable about putting your whole self out there-like a naked person in a public festival.

Think. Create. Give. Repeat.

The Root of all Evil: Resolution 2013 (MM)

Heyya lovlies!

This year things will change, though I do not think the change will be anything like the major changes that have occurred in the years past.  This year I want the changes to be simple, to be building upon continuous improvement to my already minimalist and environmentalist system.

Use it or lose it: Continuous Improvement to Minimalist Endeavors

This year my goal is to run a “zero waste” household.  I say it in quotations because it is highly improbable to live in an apartment in the city and be completely 0 waste, but i want to get us as close to 0 as possible. My goal is less than 5% household waste.  I will measure this by the number of bags of garbage and recycling taken out a week.  Currently we take out 2-4, 13 gallon bags every two days.  I want to  bring that down to 1 bag a week each of recycling and 1 bag garbage or less.  Going from at most 13 bags down to at most 2 bags a week is quite a difference- manageable but changing….

One of the things I have newly incorporated is taking the ends of veggies you typically shove down the garbage disposal, or softer veggies that you would normally discard, and using them.  I have a bag in the freezer I have labeled the “roots of all evil” and in it are the rough ends of onion, carrot, potato skins, celery ends, etc.  once i fill up the gallon size bag i boil it in either bean stock (the bean juice from cans of chili or black beans, which I also save and freeze) or salt pepper and about a quarter the depth of water to veggies in the pot.  Once soft I puree it.  It typically looks a green or bizarre rusty color, but it can be used as is or added to anything from roasts, slow cooker meals, soups, chili, or pasta/sauces.  You can added it to small bursts of things like spaghetti sauce to sneak attack anti-veggie kids or add noodles and chopped up other veggies to the puree to make a hearty winter soup.  We figured this over the course of a month would save us about 2-4 meals worth of main course meals-or roughly $50-75.00 a month, in our 7 person household.

One of the things my fantastic partner brought to the table,  is saving our frying oil for multiple uses.  We do not have a fryer, nor do we fry often, but when we doo it seems so foolish to throw away a few cups of oil on one meal.  Because oil is heated to a high temp when frying any and all potential bacteria will be burned off  during the current use and prior to the next use as it heats. Oil is a preservative, so molding is not a huge issue either. We have a separate labeled air tight container that we use for it.  Once the oil gets too chunky or cloudy we will discard it and start over, and clean out the container to begin again.  This is our first attempt at this but will probably render us about $20.00 in grocery savings a month.

Egg-shell calcium supplements- Egg shells contain great amounts of calcium.  And typically this great benefit to the egg is discarded or wasted- but it does not have to be.  Come spring, I typically buy my eggs from a local farmer every Sat morning otherwise, I buy Wisconsin (local) eggs at the store and avoid ones that have growth hormones added.  When I use an egg, I have a container in my fridge i throw the eggshells until i get through about 12 of them I do not store open shells with whole unused ones..  Then I lay them out on a sheet pan and cook them (any membrane insides left there are fine to leave on) and I cook them at 375 degrees for less than 15 min, pulling them out before they burn, but cooked long enough to kill bacteria and make them brittle-a little browning is fine. You can also boil them.  Then i grind them up in a coffee bean grinder until they are a fine powder and place it in a mason jar.  Every meal i make, or bread dough, etc i take and add 1/2 teaspoon of this powder to it to increase the calcium content and get my family closer to the daily needed amounts.  Of the seven of us, three do not drink milk or eat enough food with calcium, and one has a dairy restriction-so anything I can do to help them avoid brittling of their bones during the growth periods will do nothing but help.  I have attached a link to better assist:

http://thehealthyadvocate.com/2010/06/01/eggshells-a-bioavailable-source-of-calcium/

Egg Shells as a Bioavailable Calcium Source

Even though calcium isn’t the only mineral we need for strong bones, it is an important nutrient to consume to ensure adequate protection of them. Eggshells are about 90-95% calcium carbonate, and is easily absorbable by our bodies, unlike most dairy products and fortified foods today. This is a completely safe and health source of calcium that anyone can incorporate into their diets.

Find a source of locally grown, free range and organic eggs. The likeliness that you contract salmonella from raw eggs and egg shells are actually quite low, and in fact decrease when choosing local, free range organic eggs. In fact, nutrient quality (such as omega-3 fatty acids) are much more available in these eggs, compared to ones you find at the store.

Use the eggs as you normally would, and instead of discarding the egg shells, run them under clean, cool water. Make sure to get all the egg white out of the egg shell. You can then boil the egg shell in hot water, if you feel as though you need to kill any bacteria, and then place it in a place to air dry. Then, using a blender or coffee grinder, pulverize the egg shell into a powder.

1/2 tsp. of dry, powered egg shell contains around 400 mg of calcium. The average person should consume around 1000 mg of calcium, which is easily done if you are eating a proper diet.

or this may help:

http://nourishedmagazine.com.au/blog/articles/how-to-make-calcium-using-egg-shells

How to Make Powdered Eggshells:

1. Wash empty eggshells in warm water until all of the egg white is removed, but do not remove the membrane because it contains important nutrients for the joints which helps arthritis.
2. Lay broken pieces out on paper towels and allow them to air dry thoroughly.
3. Break the eggshells up into small pieces, and grind them to into a fine powder in a food processor, blender, coffee grinder, or a nut mill, or put them in a plastic bag and use a rolling pin to grind them. Please note that some blenders will not grind the eggshell into a fine enough powder. A coffee grinder works the best.
4. Store powdered eggshells in a covered glass jar or container.  Keep it in a dry place, like the kitchen cupboard.

Employment Goals:

The other thing I want to do is teach.  I have applied at many a private school in this area.  The pay is significantly less but the ability to teach the importance of moral code, ethics, environmental and healthy food goals to the youth of today and the adults of tomorrow is worth it to me.

The “You Grow Girl! model/goal:

My last and final goal is to grow “city girl style” meaning that I have no plot of land to grow viable food on, but I have plenty of space internal to grow in.

I have started the process of obtaining a christmas light garden.  I bought soil and a large storage tote and red LED lights.  I need seeds, LED blue lights and electricity and I should be able to grow in there, with the lid on the same way the sun grows things out side, just without needing weather to assist or demise my crops.  I am going to start with beans and carrots and move on from there if it works.

I would also like to try a hydroponic herb grower for the herbs I use very frequently and like fresh.

Currently growing/fermenting, etc:

Temprenillo -due late 2013/2014

A trappist-style beer-due 2014

Belgian “orange” beer- due 2013

Portobella mushroom kit-Mycellium is in initial stages-first crop expected feb 2013.

 

So, as you can see we are off to a busy year so far already only a few days in to the new year.  I look forward to hearing your ideas and thoughts as we continue on another year of life style changes in search of a more fulfilling life experience.  Thank you all for following in 2012! happy 2013!

 

Minimal Mommy says:

Make life an expereince-not a burden.

 

 

Killing competition: If there are no “losers” how can there be “winners”?

….and to think all of this came from a song and a preteen child…..

Here is the story (off of my personal FB status this morning):

“I love FB for the sole reason that even if i had no friends, to witness, it allows me to time and date stamp things in my life. Like Jolie’s path through preteen hormones. This morning she sang, the entire “dream on” Aerosmith song. Amazingly the only thing that went right were the lyrics-for which she knew them ALL. other than that: not one note on key, not one note held even close to duration, nor tone, and also including some form of rock star motion, invisi-microphone yielding, head gestures, etc. She was unwaivered by the passersby in other cars giving her funny looks, and I was embarrassed for her. At the songs conclusion, she bursts in to hysterical laughter and starts almost disco dancing with in the limitations of the front seat of the car. Given this, i have a feeling the next few years are going to be, well, um, interesting.”

But it was while she sang the words, something of extreme importance hit me about this song, and although much phrasing would be considered cliché, these are valuable lessons our american society is straying away from.

This song took the lead singer, Steven Tyler, about 6 years to write.  It was on the debut album (c 1973) for Aerosmith and was a radioesque-ballad,when majority of their songs were stage presence-rock.  I have bolded the lines that I am/will be focusing on.

“Dream On”

Every time that I look in the mirror

 All these lines on my face getting clearer

 The past is gone

 It went by like dusk to dawn

 Isn’t that the way

 Everybody’s got their dues in life to pay

 

Yeah, I know nobody knows

 Where it comes and where it goes

 I know it’s everybody’s sin

 You got to lose to know how to win

 

Half my life’s in books’ written pages

 Live and learn from fools and from sages

 You know it’s true

 All the things you do, come back to you

If everyone is a winner, then what incentive do people have to win?  If people want to win, but are no accolades for their win or the hard work necessary for winning, then why try harder.  There then is no competition to be the best, and to disincentive to be the worst.

Losing builds character.  Winning builds character.  Being in the middle, second, or second to last builds competition to be better, also building drive, and character.  disappointment is good.  Failure is good but winning is better.  The results of either and the way we learn to compose ourselves and what to do with it all as we grow are the dues we have to pay in life.  the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Do you want an “average” surgeon?  If you are wrongly accused of commiting a crime, do you want an attorney who got the second to lowest score on their senior exams, etc?

Some of the best athletes in life failed to make their “a” squads or the team at all.  Michael Jordan being one of them.  And not everyone is cut out to do every job, not should they feel or be taught they have the “right” to a position they are unqualified for.

And the Cycle repeates: You v. someone/thing + incentive = competition

So while I was in my latter years of undergrad studying philosophy, economics, and sociology/cultural anthropology, believe it or not there are basic principles of humanity that did, do, are, were, and continue to be present and utilized as important through out each of the disciplines.  The interdisciplinary factors most discussed throughout all of them are “cycles,” “incentive,” and “competition.”  Realistically could humanity have advanced at all with out all or any of the three?  Could it have prospered, united, asked and acted upon why and what if, to advance to better safety, efficiency, effective transportation to encourage long distance trade, wealth, cultural alliance, collaboration, development, influence, etc.? The formula above can be substituted in anything in life.  It is the stimuli and the response.  It is Murphy’s laws of motion.  It is nature or nurture or both.  Fight, flight, or freeze.  It doesn’t matter.  Without incentive, there is nothing.  If you take the formula and increase incentive, competition also always increases and the weak fall out of the market/society/or cycle system.  But you cannot increase competition with out also increasing incentive.  They do not work in reverse. This is where “merit” comes in.  Those who are work harder, are better, stronger, more successful, etc. should be rewarded higher, compensated higher, etc.

The purple pen (better known as “stop purple penning them”)

My partner and I joke about this all of the time.  During my master’s courses in education, in parallel to my children entering grade school and middle school, I was flabbergasted at this new idea that children’s papers should not be graded in red pen, because red checkmarks hurt their self-development.  Papers will now be graded in purple pen because it is easier on their ego.  That and children under 4th grade will not be given letter grades.  What the HELL!

This goes the same for parenting.  what is wrong with a parent telling a child no or don’t do that. A tap on the hand if the hand is committing the crime,  Why is it up for discussion, or immense disappointment.  below are two conversations:

Johnny, please do not touch that.

why?

because that is not yours to play with.

but i want to, *reaches*

johnny, i said do not touch that, please do not touch that.

*reaches and touches it*

Johnny i told you not to touch, you need to listen to your mom. Please do not make me punish you. *moves him from reach.*

*screams bloody murder*

I do not like it when you act like this.

*cries harder*

*hand him toy, electronic, or candy. to make it stop and not be embarrassed.*

or

Johnny, don’t touch that, it is not yours to play with.

but i want to, *reaches*

*hand smack*

I said no-end of story.

*kid cryies the first few times, then realizes it is in vain*

—————–

This also goes for having “the important” conversations with your teens.  Birds and bees, driving, after graduation, etc.  Having expectations for your children, and borders rules, and the like is good.  I call Shane the “purple pen parent.”  Where as i sit down at the table, go over health class/birds and bees conversations with my nearly 12-year-old while both of us are red-faced, near tears embarrassed and suffering through every word of homework that needs to be signed off by the parent before the child can sit through health class in school, he- asks them if the read it and signs off without incident.

I tell my kids they have no choice in the matter.  If they can come up with a reasonable argument why my position of a decision is wrong, and they approach me respectfully and adult like many times we are both allowed a moment to think through each others mentality and fears, and the like. Sometimes the answer changes, sometimes it does not.  Respect is maintained (although sometimes it gets close to not) and communications increasingly improved. He has a child that will just walk away, or say i don’t know and get up and leave.  He approaches later and says “i really don’t like that way you handled that.”  Then nothing more.  No consequence, no force, not nothing but avoidance of what is necessary.  Not parenting.  Parenting is hard.

I am the strict one.  I am the disciplinarian.  I am the forward thinking, self-reliance pushing, competitive driving, force behind my kids.  I want them to do what they enjoy, enjoy what they do, and be good at it too.  Grades, music, sports, chores, manners, it doesn’t matter what frontier or plane it falls upon i have worked very hard to ensure and build upon the necessary character traits my children were born with to ensure that they have the stepping-stones to be successful.  I have put them in environments that support the nurture of things i find important to their societal function and overall resilience and adaptability to the ever-changing adult world.  When they get there, the will have the confidence to go, try, do, find their niche, and blossom.  unfortunately he has done nothing to ensure this success for his.  They see him run from conversations with them and their mother, and they do the same.  I raise my voice and they scatter, even if it is directed at improving them.

Part of this problem is a common result of divorce.  No parent wants to be the bad guy.  He is afraid if he is the bad guy his kids will turn away from him.  this is also why we have a society of the weak.  Gen x and Gen y are the first generations made up of children that grew up in the 50%+ divorce rate.  This did two things: one it made the children (now adults) second guess marriage and childbearing  delaying both or just cohabitation, on one side, but on the flip made options of divorce and the process look easy and a way out.  I’d also say part of the problem is the father daughter relationship.  Shane walks away at the first inclination of conflict with his first born girl.  My dad did the same. My ex husband does the same.  Boyz…..i think it is time to MAN UP!

I am very fortunate.  My children’s father is almost entirely out of the picture.  And he likes it that way, as do I.  He never “has to have them by court orders,” when he calls and wants to take them his full and vested interest is on those kids and enjoying and having fun with them.  Because of the relationship and determined roles I always am the bad guy and their dad is fun.  This way the kids never suffer.  Never have to choose a side or a favorite.  We utilize the other to maximize the greater good for them both.  That is ok, just because I also am the one who stays up to wash their clothes and uniforms, buy their clothes and take them to all of their sports, and screams and cries at the table with them when the homework is too hard, i am also the drive, I am the stable party.  The consistent party.  The rules and regulations, the expectation and the consequence, the support, and the everyday love.  I am the dictator and the teddy bear.  I push them to their highest and hold them tightest at their lowest. I make them see all that they can do and that they have to be grateful for. I am there when they win and there when they fail.  I am the red pen and the trophy.  And only time will tell on society and my kids…..

Until next time,

C

Participation trophys/Kids keep track.

Giving participation trophys is probably a greater sin than “purple pen grading.”  Although both situations disincentivize top performance.

1. kids keep track.  whomever parents/coaches etc says tha we are going to play a fun game wand not keep score-just because the adult feels good about not writing down the score-the kids keep track.  Adults, you are fools to think otherwise.

2.  just because you win, you want something, a tangible symbol of your win, over or larger or more distinctive that the “losers.”  IF everyone gets a medal or a ribbon, then the winners should be bigger.  It is not enough just to “say or know” you were the winner.  that accolade, that symbol means that you officially did it. this drives the non winners to succeed, and keeps the winners competitive to maintina good forward progress and consistanct to maintian their top performance.

IF we do not understand the pain of losing, the drive or competition it generates, or the sense of acomplishment of winning-we will never amount to anything other than average.

COmpetition and education also go hand in hand.

Why is america failing to educate-standardized tests, social interaction (play) and the purple pen rule.

For Christmas This Year, I Pray; God save the Athiests! :)

In my house there are 7 people, my fantastic partner his three children from a previous marriage and my two children from my previous marriage.    <–already this line will warrant concerns, condemnation, and ridicule, but for the sake of the holiday, please render the patience to hear me out.

Both of us were raised Catholic (if you are a frequenter of my blogs you already know this, however, sorry for the repetition….), but in adult life, veered.  I am agnostic, my children attend a local catholic private school, and I am open with them and communicate with them my struggles in faith during my life, when they ask.  I make it clear that some amount of doubt is ok, that is how perspective is found.  The best debaters in the world know both sides, their arguments, pros, and cons, and do not condemn either side for their beliefs.  They accept them for what they are and what the believe and move on.  They do not fear what they don’t know, they seek out information and research.  Knowledge is power, but understanding is stronger.  They understand the elements that make up the whole.

One thing that has never wavered however is my belief that there is a higher power out there, whatever, whomever, etc.   I just do not like organized religions, intolerability for one another and differences. Neither does he.  But he is an atheist.  And I thank God everyday for my atheist.  My children, like i were raised with religion, Christian holidays celebrated, awareness and respect, however, of Jewish celebrations as well (as my uncle is Jewish).  We were not raised with indoctrination of a faith as the central focal point, but in indoctrination of ethics and morals-the ten commandments, giving, guilt, and gratefulness, first, and education and knowledge seeking behavior second-above all other things i.e. actions, possessions, and the like, that are found in life.  Many people call this living the faith-as typically the basic rules of this do not change through various religions or even legal codes.  And it becomes more about a giving and good behavior lifestyle than a or any religion.  His children have never been raised in any faith, nor baptized, nor made to go to church, except for where and when relatives were married, christened/baptized, etc.and even then it was optional once they could watch themselves.  They were taught either through commentary or implication, that religion and God were false and bad, and ok to make fun of.  The are public school kids, all the way, and a symbol of the area they are raised, which is unfortunate, because they could have been so much more.  They were taught, again, either in commentary or implication, that if it is there I should take as much as it i can get, mine, gimme, gimme, mentality, especially if it is free for me to take.  This makes life sometimes on our house very challenging-because my children and I are made a mockery of , or disresected either in a joke or blatently, due to their fear and insecurity, in what they don’t know and fear them may want to accept, even if it is not popular to their peers or their ego.  I am not saying they need to find God or faith.  I am merely saying they need to be taught to be better and more respectful people.  Good manners start with please and thank you, but they don’t end there.  There is a lot more involved, and they dont have it-nor do their real parents step up to fix it.  Which in my mind, and my opinion is a terrible disservice to the children that are tomorrow’s adults.

When this occurs I talk to my children.  It does not happen often, as Shane and i have had major discussions about this in the past prior to living together.  I tell them those are the children that need the most patience.  They were taught no better.  The were taught to support all kinds in issues like ethnic and gender equality, homosexual freedom, and the like-but not to accept all religions as being good in intention,and ok to accept freely for what they are.  Regardless of how you look at it, belief in the unknown, and gratitude for the vastness it provided came before organized society and historical rule.  Anthropologically and historically speaking- higher, divine, god/god-like deity rule came first.  Some of the laws that atheists support and are protected by came from religious roots.  Even cavemen hurt, when some one took their stuff without asking.  Even in isolated tribes, there are rules against unnecessary killing (there are also human sacrifices otherwise called offerings, and retributive killings, as well).  In many cases of early civilizations from egypt to Mesopotamia, to Inuit, viking, migratory tribes, there were laws to avoid upsetting the god(s)and there were thanks for the blessings, and they honored their dead, and many times also the ruler or leader was perceived to have been vested “god-like” traits or powers, or the ability to link up with the heavens.  Because of this i am able to smile through ridicule, knowing that they are, albeit years removed, shooting themselves in the foot they stand on.  And by telling me that you believe in nothing, and I reply that you still believe, much to their dismay, and many times with a bit of explanation that the term believe is a verb, an act, and/or action-regardless of the noun that follows, or what you are going to believe in, follows, the act is still committed and then they leave frustrated. It is hypocrisy at its finest.

http://blog.beliefnet.com/fellowshipofsaintsandsinners/2011/12/ben-stein-talks-christmas-political-correctness-and-the-disappearance-of-god.html

I have attached a link here to a commentary written by Ben Stein, the actor.  I believe it to be of much consideration and thought-provoking.  I believe it also to be appropriate, and will in fact read it to my family, for even if they leave the table in visible or vocal doubt- or in foolish ridicule-it will sink in at least part of the way.  When we put our differences on the clothes line to dry, we draw attention to the separations that exist, many times playing, of being played on or by the divide and conquer mentality.  But if we look down the row of clothes lines and only see pants, shirts, and underpants-not their size or color or brand- imagine how much more acceptance this world and country can render.  We can all coexist, but we cannot without a few basic principles-thou shall not kill, thou shall not steal, do on to others as you want to be treated….-you get my point.  Live a good life, regardless of your beliefs.  Help others, give, and appreciate being given to, and most of all be thankful and grateful to whom or what ever you feel contributed to you and yours.  Be respectful.  If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.  If it is a concern that needs to be stated, but will hurt or be percieved as mean-even with the best of intention, wait until you are calm to express it.  If the reciever does not want  to hear it they wont.  if they make a joke of it, or at a bad time with the intent to make a point, walk away.  By calling it to thier attention you did what you could.  You showed you cared enough to speak up.  You can only control your actions.  And if you alone act ith the best of intentions and a smile, and do good overall, you are one less person in the world hurting another.

Even though it hurts.  Even if you know deep down you are correct, but still are made fun of or disrespected, realize that your actions and voice show you are not in fear.   They are.

Until next time,

C

Project Step Family: How to’s and Misconceptions.

 

Hello and i hope you are all fully fat and happy after the gluttony of the weekend for those of us in the US.  Thanksgiving was this weekend, and it is a holiday of giving thanks (historically to the native americans for helping the european settlers survive) but it has become a larger symbol, especially during recessionary times, of giving thanks for the blessing you do have, from what has been provided to you, and what your hand has provided to others.    It is also a time of and for family.  The good, the bad, and well, the ugly.

Families can be made up of a series of different strands.  You have nuclear families, extended families, foster families, adoptive families, half of families, no families, and step families.  Typically and under ideal social constructs-you have a nuclear family-a husband, a wife, and their children.  When those children grow the marry and have their own nuclear family and split holiday time between their partners extended family and theirs.  This is clean and easy.  But it is not the very real normal.

Single parenting (or half a family) is extremely common and is more often than not of a woman run household and environment.  There are some dad’s too however.  but what is nice about these is there more than typically is not visitation issues in the already stressful holiday mix.

Divorcee’s are also a type of single parenting/half a family- and can turn your two family extended holiday in to four families vying for holiday celebration time pretty quickly, especially if the previous partners have re-partnered up.  And with this one there is also conflicts in visitaions that are systematic until the holiday throws them off.

I(we) are extremely lucky.  I have been a single parent for majority of my children’s existence.  Even for the years that my children’s father and I were married in the middle of it all, his participation and attendance was minimal.  Between his alcoholism, bartending, social life affairs, and then the military, there was not a fleeting chance of success in this marriage unless i stayed ignorant or he matured.  Neither occurred.  :).  Upon our divorce, he granted me full everything, with no visitation necessary and pretty much signed off his children (the court would not allow termination completely), unless he calls and says- hey can i see them today, i have some free time.  Thus-there is never any conflict for visitation, I hand them over to him if they are free and he brings them back when he is tired.  The only holiday he wanted to be guaranteed to see them- Christmas day.  That is it.  Easy and agreed.

My partner, Shane and his ex are really laid back.  They have joint parenting responsibilities.  They have set days for the kids, which they flip around every so often due to commitments and school, and holidays, and the like.  Neither is in competition to have them or top this or whatever.  They pretty much don’t care ever.

So because of our differing set ups-his kids are with us at least 1/2 of the time, many times more, and my kids are with us ALL of the time. And this is where things get crazy.  None of the following includes serious issues of abuse or danger of any kids.  These are just for the simple everyday type)

1. Just because you live under one roof, you do not become one solid nuclear family unit.  Thinking you can is just going to set you up for disappointment.

•      You are still two separate families.  You always will be.  Governed by your “biological parent” and the other adult in the house-the other children’s parent. Depending on how old the children are-this can cause significant issues when the rules change.
• Your partner and you should speak before moving in about rules and expectations of your and your partners families.  from concerns, to changes, to how holidays will change etc.  Then you both need to communicate these to your children and to your extended families.  Giving them time and options-not you demanding they do what you want.  You need to create a solid disciplinary state.  This does not change regardless of nuclear or step family.

 

2. It is your extended families individual choice to allow the new children in or not.  It is your choice as your children’s parent to accept or decline.  In our case, his family accepted my children in and I declined. 

• I do not feel my children need nor should be an additional inconvenience  to the pocketbooks of another.  This is my choice, as they have and get plenty.   Shane’s mother wont listen to me however.  But that is her right and I am grateful to her for welcoming in the three of us with open arms. My family-not so beneficial.  They not only did not accept him nor his kids in, but they cut ties to us for moving in with him.  As it was bad enough that I got divorced (regardless of the reasons), but worse that i had moved on and wanted to start anew.  Das vidanya they says to us…..  It is however their right to do this.  I just wish they would have communicated their fears before the smack down.

3. Change is ALWAYS hard.  Change takes time.

• People have issues with change.  Give them time to see and feel change, why it is important and occurring, and then to change.

4. Respect each other.

• Respect your partner and stand up for them.  Do not be afraid on the side to talk to them later about how maybe it could have better been handled.
• If religions and customs differ, realize that all people are entitled to believe in wat they want or nothing at all- at the end of the day it is still a belief. regardless if it is in something, or nothing.  It is still the act of believing. And everyone hs faith in something.  Be it in god, in family, in religion, in the govt, and their job, and humanity, the sun, whatever.  Faith in self or something are necessary to give purpose.
• DO NOT POKE FUN nor make jokes about religion or politics, etc.  To each his own.  And although you many not need it in your life, or maybe you were not taught better, or maybe your defense is to poke fun of what you fear knowing-it is not a good practice to do with anything.

5. Fair, equal, and the explaining the great divide.

• Things are not equal, but we try to be fair.
• No one is too old or to “tired” to do chores. (because my children only have one house-they do the most chores around mine/ours.  Shane’s kids have to do chores at their mothers, and that seems to include everything-so at ours I try to limit what they have to do so they expect it- one always does the trash/washes the floor, one always vacuums and sweeps, and the third fills in the mix with my two with dishwasher and laundry and dusting.  I clean the bathroom.  Shane Irons.  We both cook.  We all are responsible for cleaning and keeping clean our closet and rooms.
• No one is entitled to nor deserves anything.  If you are 15+ and you still depend on your parents for housing, food, clothing, and everything lese due to no job or no ambitions, you might as well be five and you will follow the house rules.  You don’t like them, or lie/sneak around them-there is the door.  Even at 15, if life is so bad the courthouse it about 3 blocks away- we will gladly sign your emancipation papers for a child that “knows better.” We will be here for you when you do.

 

 

When conflicts arise:

To become and maintain silence during conflict does two things: it makes known an issue is there and it delays talking about it until AFTER the children or others have left the premises.  realize silence or biting of the tongue, helps you not fly off the handle-and/or say things you mean for only the minute you say them.

There is only one real problem with silence during issue.  The topic needs to get brought back up in order to fix the original issue.  By ignoring it or forgetting about it it will happen again.

Realize also that children of divorce fear parental fighting.  They know it happens and will occur at times.  I tell my kids that some fighting is good (not physical of course), and like siblings, they occur from a conflict of interests or the feeling that one person is not holding up their end of the mutual bargain.  But I also tell them that there are beneficial fights and not beneficial ones.  IF you are out to hurt the other person-that is damaging and not beneficial if you are fighting to fix something that will have long-term benefits if fixed- that is constructive and beneficial fighting.  The manner that this occurs determines whether any marriage, be it first or tenth, makes it through the long haul or ends.

Try this technique the next time your partner does something wrong or takes disrespect from their child in your presence and it goes unhandled.  Or if you disagree with the way it was handled all together.  Then later, say that there is something important you would like to discuss, and then do so in the privacy of your room.  Speak calmly and give examples of what was wrong, what could result from continual behaviors of that sort, and how you would have handled it differently and why.  Give them a chance to explain their logic or thought and come to a consensus.

 

Change does not happen overnight.  I know in the time that has elapsed since the big move in, there have been exciting changes to his children.  His children were not ever bad.  They were just disrespectful toward him and had minimal for table manners, cleaning of the house and room, and were lazy and entitiled.  My children brought additional age appropriate sassy mouths to the table, along with tinges of selfishness, and inability to knock on closed doors….. 🙂

We have only had a few issues of conflicting parentingisms.  As much as we have tried and did try to touch on every situation we could think of before moving in, sometimes life gives us options we overlooked.  One such case was vegetables.   I make my kids eat at least two, even if they don’t like them.  My children would never hide them, nor put them in a napkin and throw them out, because if i saw them do it or found out, they would have to eat it out f the garbage disposal or the trash can.  Sneaking in such a manner is as good as lying and is very disrespectful.  I told you to do something, and you did not.  My partner, when this occurred had a hard time in the beginning seeing this way, because he didn’t want a fight or tears.  But i explained to him he was too good of a dad to be treated like that.  she basically said-screw you dad-you can tell me to do what yo want but in reality i will nod and just do what i want anyways.  That seemed to make it more clear. So, when it was brought up at the table again, and one child wanted to check the napkin of my child, my daughter said  that she would never do that because her mom would make her eat it out of the garbage for lying and being disrespectful.   And I sat there, proud of her for understanding WHY that was a punishable offense, as everyone ate dinner and the pasta I had made with an emulsified cream sauce containing the vegetables of issue from the previous day.  🙂 Some would argue that it is a gross form of child abuse, or cruel and unusual, to make them eat it out of the sink or trash.   In this case the punishment fits the crime to a tee.  The child had the choice to eat it or the choice to disrespect their parent.  They chose to throw it out and not eat it.  They still have to eat it, because that was what was originally asked of them by their parent who worked hard to provide for them and they the child made the choice where they removed it to. Therefore, you teach about lying, hiding/sneaking, waste, and consequence all at one time.  Things every child needs to know and much more solid of a lesson envoking the reasons of action, and consequence for the exact situation that occured.  Putting a kid on time out for not eating and lying about their food does nothing for them.  Teaching the how and why has a better and more lasting affect and can allow the dots to be connected from begining to end; the situation, the options, the consequence, and why understanding this process is important and can be applied to other events in the future, latent items like waste, consumption, sustainability, environment, the poor who wish they could sit her to a warm meal, even if it is something they dont like, etc.

 

I am stubborn and Shane is selfish.  Neither of us likes loud noises, nor fighting, nor confrontation. I nipped my kids issues early, so there is minimal for confrontation now-just an occasional teenage sassy mouth, disorganization,  a bad grade, etc. He is having a hard time nipping what the precedence has already be set for.  But we keep the rules the same for all the children under OUR home.  There are solid rules and there are by-family rules.  The dinner rules are posted.  And the individual parental expectations remain the same-mine higher for my kids than his are for his.  But that is ok. It is ok to have different rules.  And although it is met with a bit of whine or unfairness from my kids, i explain to them that I am their parent-what i say goes.  It is my job to raise good and self-reliant functional and always striving for better children.  I choose to push you hard and harder, if he does not want to take the time to do that to his kids, that is ok as long as it is not detrimental to my parenting of you.   I think he is a lazy parent, and he thinks I am too strict and mean.  But we both are very good at forgiving and teaching forgiveness and we both want the best for our kids.  Forgiveness is a power struggle, like all the others.  When you hold in that hurt, the antagonist hold control over your mind and you are weak.  When you forgive, they no longer have the power to harm or hurt you.  And people make mistakes.  It is what you do after them that tells the world you are.

All in all, step parenting ideally is a blend of two households in a manner that encourages the success of the children by being able to take the best rules and intentions of both worlds, enlisting them and keeping them strong and consistent or new and important, and leaving those that damage or are done just to duct tape cope, behind.  You both want the best for your kids, but it needs to be their best, not yours, and they need to be pushed-some more than others, to test the limits of what they think they can or cannot do-to prove to them they can do more than that.  They can surpass limits set for them or by them-with the right amount of support, love, and occasional gasoline thrown on the fire.

 

Good luck and let me know if you have questions or situations you would like me to try and help with.

until next time,

C

 

Parenting: WHOA!

http://shine.yahoo.com/team-mom/half-moms-lie-parenting-38-im-not-surprised-202800740.html

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/moms-dont-discipline-kids-crazy-143000058.html

I provided some entertaining articles above.  Mom’s are so worried about what they are thought of or how they are doing.  here is how i work, maybe it will help you:

I am very fortunate that I learned early, you will be judged not matter what and
you cannot make everyone including yourself happy all of the time. So to remedy
this I blend three things: transparency, consistency, and long-term goals, for
myself and when I parent. So far, at 11 and 8 my children are great! Not
perfect, but just really good and down to earth kids that are well-mannered, can
see past their noses to help others around them, if necessary, and have future
plans and are happy and resilient.

But this comes from everyday discipline, involvement, and awareness of their surroundings.  My children are very fortunate they have seen poor times and have been surrounded by family with some money.  They have a great understanding of wealth and poverty.  I regardless of how poor we have gotten have always found room to give.  They know and understand that.  They also know when ever i have any “extra” i share it with them, especially if a lesson can be rendered from it.

Jolie, my eldest had to do a report on Pluto, the Rotate In Peace, planet.  Lilie is also, in her classroom studying the planets and solar system. Shane and his children love to go to Chicago-which is only a little over an hour from where we live. I last year bought a discovery world of Milwaukee family membership for 75.00 as a school fundraiser from my children.  Because of this, nationwide we can get in to other “reciprocity” museums, only having to pay for the extra features if we want to see theme, like imax shows, or special tours, etc. So to combine a free weekend filled with no sports or responsibilities, we went to Chicago- to the Adler Planetarium and to Chinatown.  We as a family individually have various loves for cultures, science, and exploration and travel.  Each of us has our own favorite subject and place, but each of us love to learn and find out how things work.

During much of the walking we did, we came upon a series of homeless individuals, begging for change.  All of us walked away and avoided them.  We all live in an urban environment, not as large as chicago, but urban enough we are all accustomed to this.

So yesterday, my children and I had a lot of errands to run, post school and work.  We decided to go out to dinner.  I am one of those people who is very much a local restaurant versus corporate kind of person.  I am not mean or boisterous or “occupy” style against corporations, but if given the choice I would rather partake in the local.    Mondays are a hard day t eat local, as many restaurants in our area are closed monday, some additionally sunday or Tuesday.  But we found one, Salute’s, a little italian restaurant and a popular spot among locals.  It is not terribly pricy, but not cheap at the same time.  the atmosphere is warm and welcoming for a family pizza to a customer’s in town kind of business dinner.  The food is always good, and there is plenty of it left to bring home.  ON our way to the car upon leaving we were approached by a man, presumably homeless.  First he started off by complimenting my eldest child and I, not quite crossing a line, but close enough we were both uncomfortable. Having been address in such a way by anyone would have led to the same result.  Then he asked me for money, I said I did not have any. He begun to come closer to me, and i walked in to the car, where my children already were inside of.

As we drove away, my children asked if he was homeless like the people we had seen sunday.  I said probably, yes.     Jolie said, I feel guilty for what i am about to say.  I feel bad that the don’t have a home, but i wonder what they did to get there.  I mean, i know we have been very poor, I know that people lose jobs, and can’t pay bills, but if it was that easy to be homeless there would be many others.  I told her it was ok to feel that way, as that is how i feel too.  Then we talked about why we help families we know that are struggling, why we donate to food pantries, why we do things like that, and there are shelters for homeless to go during the bitter cold.  Many times the homeless have addictions, or have mental illnesses that don’t allow them to find stability and they run themselves out of options or help or even hope.

Al the while we were driving to one of my girls friends houses.  A place we have never been, but a family I really like. They have two girls, both the ages of my children and both girls.  Education and extracurriculars are mandatory, and both are in private schools-different ones.  My children are in one of the religious private schools, and theirs are in a non religious private academy style prep school.  My tuition for 2 children is about 4500 a year, and theirs is probably about 15-20,000.  I work my tail off, and she is a stay at home mom. We live in a very nice loft apartment, and they live in what I am going to guess is a half-million dollar or more, home.  When we pulled in the driveway, Jolie, immediately said, How can I stay here!  I feel so poor and almost dirty!  I said, welcome to how the other side of the spectrum lives.  My Lilie, bless her, says-so where does that put us?

I said- striving for this (the epic home in front of us) and trying to avoid that (homeless).

 

And so it goes.

 

The Starbuck’s Barista and the Postman.

Yesterday kicked off a week filled with sucky “further testing” appointments.  What started off as 2 appointments: a physical and a yearly obgyn appointment, has turned in to a biopsy, a cardiology appointment, and a orthopedic appointment. I am 28.  I am in relatively good health, physically active, i work too much, and I sleep too little.  Yesterday I went for a biopsy (sucko).  Since 2003, I have had a biopsy performed 5 times, maybe more (i lost count).  My reproductive system has been through the ringer and the birth of my last child, 8 years ago, was high risk because of it and everything that came before it.   So I went in there knowing what to expect, as there has been at least one close call in the past,  but clearly I feel like my luck is running out.   There was just a different level of emotion in me yesterday morning, not anxious, but an almost sedated, surreal, and passive.

I love my OB- I have followed her from one facility to another since I was 16.  She is a great wonderful woman, our conversations are fantastic and at the end of every appointment since i was 19 I have asked her when we can talk about removal of “the girl parts,” as I joke they do nothing but get me in trouble….. She always tells me, maybe next year…with a smile and closes the door.   This time she also told me that the older I get the more I look like my mother (whom she has known for about 25 years), which is kind of funny, because as I was getting ready for a wine tasting on friday night, while putting on my make up, with a young child standing on a step stool next to me wanting to be “make-up’d” too, I though the same thing.  When I was about the ages of my children, my mother became very ill, for which she stayed until I was about 18.  Watching it wreak havoc on her body, her mind, her life and her soul, was devastating to me and to our relationship.  Things were said and done by both of us along the way that, although i was a child, and she the adult- I wish I could take back, to have had the awareness of an adult instead of the selfishness of a child.  But what is done is done.  And truthfully, I am scared.  I am scared of replicating the past, being the ill one and destroying my relationship with my children that i have grown and taken such a vast amount of precaution with, because of the lacking and tumultuous relationship with my mom.  I do not blame my mom, nor myself for what occurred.  Neither of us had directions, and both of us loved each other so vastly and deeply, and were so scared, it manifested in to ugly and mean.  They say you hurt the ones you love the most, and i believe that, but at 28 you know and can understand more than you can at 12.

Tomorrow I go in to be fitted with a Holter monitor.  In the past, I have had weird heart-beating things where I become very light-headed and have to lay down, sometimes needing just to sleep it off.  It feels like my heart falls in to my stomach, beats rapidly and fiercely and makes me instantly sleepy and nauseous. It doesn’t matter if i am standing, sitting, engaged in physical activity; it can happen…it comes with no warning and is unsystematic.  When it happens when I’m sleeping, i wake up and feel like I can’t and have not been breathing…It happened three nights in a row, thus prompting Shane to force me to see a doctor when it woke him up and “scared the hell out of him.”  But it has only happened once since.  It has gone on for years and i have shrugged it off, but now that someone else knew…..there was no more hiding it.  They preformed an ekg about a month ago, and had to do it a few times because of “weird” upticks.  I am hopeful that they rule out anything physically wrong…so i can conclude and blame it on coffee, anxiety, and stress-drink less joe, meditate more, and sleep more. So Wed and Thursday i document my life-from what i eat to what i do-every minute for 24 -48 hours.  Then I will meet with a cardiologist to go over the results….

So now i wait, dreading the dr. office generic phone number as it flashes over my phone screen, waiting for a what will be next type of scenario…..

But the strange things started to occur yesterday when I left the biopsy appointment.  I treated myself to Starbuck’s-still in a passive and docile mood.  The woman at the register was kind and we talked for a few minutes…at the conclusion of our conversation she said to me “You put off  a positive vibe, i like that.” I said thanks, I appreciate that! Before returning to work i stopped at the postoffice to give them a prepaid return package for something i bought that did not work.  I was the next in line, when i was motioned over by a surly fellow. He did not seem pleased to be at work at all.  And I, just wanting a quick in and out, handed him the envelope,   the conversation professional and business like.  I thanked him for his help and suggestion, and he said-well i appreciate customers who smile and who seem like genuinely good people.  You don’t get that a lot.

What ever my aura was putting off yesterday, i hope it sticks around, unless it is a glimmer of death… then it can get lost….I have too much still to do!

 

So to any one out there, waiting in the winds of change, results, or fear- my thoughts and prayers are with you.  And any of you out there like me who ignore and put things off, dont be sacred.  I figured that the safest place to let it all out was to my invisible internet friends on the world wide web….crazy though, I feel better telling you that almost anyone else….

Until next time,

C

 

 

I have found that I have more control by needing less of it.

So many of us as parents walk the tightrope of feeling successful as parents and rendering and gauging success based upon other people’s children (opc’s) and their behaviors.  I will be the first to tell you that i look in my latter childs classroom and think, why can’t Lilie sit still like that?  Why does she not leave school as pretty as she walked in?!  My lilie is my humbler.  If i would have only had Jolie I would have said it is totally the parents fault if the cannot produce and rear good kids (other than where medically concerned).  And when that chip on my shoulder inflates and my ego rises, I can count on my Lilie to pop it.  Don’t get me wrong.  Both of my children are very good kids.  I have minimal disciplinary issues and they fall in to typical whiney, selfish, or forgetful behaviors.  I am VERY LUCKY!!!!  Especially since I spent most of their lives as a single mother and broke college kid. (i think the college kid part is actually a blessing in disguise, but we can tackle that later.)

It is my Lilie that taught me the power in laughing.  Jolie will just do what i say, most of the time with our even a mumble.  She is organized, clutter free, responsible, money savvy, and at 11.5 pretty much a replication of me.  She is serious and play comes later.  My Lilie dances and sings through life, through her chores, through her classes, through the hallway, in the shower, in the car, in the middle of the street, in the store and she couldn’t care at all who is watching or what they think.  She goes to school freshly pressed, clean, and hair neatly done and leaves school looking like she rode the Thalys high-speed train system on the outside of the railcar.   No pair of tights is worn twice, due to holes-no shoes make it longer than a few months if lucky to make it that, and she is in love with it all.  Sometimes i ask her why she is so free/free spirited, does it not bother her when people get annoyed by her constant singing, and her unorgainzations, when she gets yelled at for not being able or having to do her homework over for being messy or losing it?  She says, sometimes but not really.  Life is fun, momma.  The best part about her is that she is honest and transparent.  What you see is what you get.  Lilie does not change, and if she screws up, regardless of how mad you may get, she will tell you the truth.

One of her best funnies occurred in church.  It was an all school mass at their school, and i was there and she was sitting with me.  I had braided her hair in braidtails that day.  Some where into mass, while we were responding to the cantor, Lil put one of her braids above her lip as a mustache.  While it was there she responded in a really low voice, then she would move it away and talk normal, and she repeated this process for about 10 min.  I said nothing,  just letting her go while the older people nearby, who also captured this parental mortifying moment, glared and then chuckled once they figured out what she was doing……At first i was going to stop her.  And then i though, why?  She is not being obnoxious, wild or loud, she is merely role-playing a social context and using a mustache as the symbol in what she saw as gender specific.  There was nothing wrong with this freedom of expression in action, and it fit with in the social norm of the setting, but it allowed her a safe freedom to be and learn about things where relevant to her need.  I am sure God even got a giggle too!

I gave up early on with her looking well put together.  She always had “ideas” of what she wanted and until her sister and I taught her the fine motor skills necessary to do her hair, braid, and paint her nails, we would help.  Her and i would make a trade and the battles would be picked and compromised.  I do not advocate compromise with your kids on everything…just the things that don’t really matter.  For instance, you are going to a funeral, your child is unhappy about their outfiT and decide to put on seven or eight pcs of costume princess jewelery to cover up the shirt they don’t like.  I would let that go.  Wear your “jewels.”  I am sure the person who died would like the fact you dressed up for them and came to honor them as yourself-proper. I know other parents who would go berserk.  But i have found that I have more control by needing less of it.  If you start by trusting your kids early, and letting them have pcs of them along the way, you will find they never really stray far from your expectations.  A few examples of what I did with my kids:

Sometimes it is best they learn the hard way or by doing what you know will not turn out in their favor::

My eldest when she was in preschool wanted to wear her fancy dress shoes to school.  I told her many times before that was not a good idea, she could get hurt, she would not be able to run as well or play, and i would not be happy if she wrecked them.  She kept asking, so i made her a deal.  I told her if she got hurt or couldn’t play she would just have to learn the hard way, and if she wrecked them she would have to take her own money to replace them.  She agreed.  When all was said and done, she came home with clean shoes, but she was mad because she couldn’t play like she wanted to.

Sometimes an additional article or expression of their personality wont even be noticed:

My children love to have their nails painted.  I have never stopped them, not told them not this color or that color, etc.  Even if the color on their nails did not match the outfit, as long as it was unchippy it was fine.  Many times i fail to notice what they wear at all.  I only pay attention to if it is too short, if skin is showing, or if it is too tight.  Unless it is somewhere important or where clothing/uniform is necessary-i typically don’t pick that battle.  They are safe to express their creativity and personality through the clothes I 1. let in the house, 2. clean out monthly to ween out stuff that fits improperly, and 3. allow them to think and have faith in their decisions and process the reactions of others to them while safely under my realm in a situation that is small to me but powerful to them.

What this does:

Creates social awareness-to norms, mores, taboos, proper attire and etiquette,

Creates self security-that whether they succeed or fail at choosing an outfit, get picked on, or complimented, they begin to trust their decisions versus what is commfortable to them in their own skin, and realize it is ok to make a mistake and move on.

Creates the ability and resiliency to change- Oops!  You wore a long sleeve shirt and it got hot outside??  No biggy, roll them up.  You wore pants, and your friend has a creek in the back yard that their child wants you to go in and help them catch frogs?  NO biggy, roll them up! Playing a game of backyard volleyball and you are wearing wedges?  take them off!  Some of these adapt and overcome situations occur as children.  That is why by the end of a wedding, or a fancy party children typically have their shoes off, tights off, ties and jackets off, a hole in something maybe, and/or have parents who brought them a change of “more comfortable clothing.”  No one will look at you any different if you adapt in order to help or participate in the group activity.  If they laugh at you, simply laugh it off, or say-brings me back to my childhood.  Sometimes we all need a bit of that!

Also, and probably more importantly, is when i tell them no, or you are wearing this not that, they listen.  They know i am very liberal on that everyday, that when i stand up for it-you’d better listen.  I think that is why our at home life for the most part is easy and flows stress free.

So when my lilie pulls her shirt completely off to change into a different one while at her soccer game, I don’t make a scene or beat her down.  I laugh, and encourage her to be more modest next time…. but she is just a child who knows gender difference but is not at an age where she has to begin living by their rules.  A free-flowing, bubble of energy whom is one of the nicest and messiest cannonball-to-the-water kid ever.  But she knows her time and her place to behave.  And she does-but she makes even that exciting, as church has never been the same since the braid mustache incident…..

So don’t forget to laugh, as not every holy or mismatched sock will go down on their permanent record.

until next time,

C