My ex and i have been divorced officially for three years. He left me two years before that, I just did not have the heart to file the papers sooner, nor did he. Our relationship from day one was a series of red flags and questionable pairings, but to us both there was something worth working for and sharing, at least for a little while. We shot-gun wedding’d it in 2003. The following year was terrible-we lost our child, we lost our jobs due to the corporation going bankrupt, we were nearly evicted, I was pregnant again high risk, and we were broke. He was an alcoholic, and extremely social, he loved his friends and the bar life. I was a niaeve, 18-year-old in love with a tough, fast talking, Marine, 7 years my senior. He pulled me out of my element, told me it was ok to let loose and have fun, and just plain live, without worry. I was a college student, and his ticket to having a “sugar momma”. He always worked very hard. Many times he held down two jobs, one at a machine shop and one at a bar. He loved the bar world, on both sides. He always did his best to provide, but he drank too much always. I tried for years to get him help, to refocus his mind to schooling, and to other things, but to no avail….back to the bar he went. When we were comfortable financially and I asked him to give up bartending, he said no. When I asked him to seek counciling for the third or fourth time, after i found a condom in his car, he said ok, but instead of going to AA, I followed him to other bars. As did I have someone else follow him another time to make sure it was not just a one time thing. we went to counseling, he went through one full session and walked out of the second and stopped going because he did not like what she said to him, and I completed the cycle. Then for christmas 2007, he dropped a bomb on us. He re-enlisted in the service and left the following feb. He returned for short “weeks” sporadically, and then would continue asking me why i stayed married to him. Then in 2009, we decided to meet up one more time, on his terms, in Cali and see if there was anything left to save. There was not. we were two different people, he had been unfaithful, and would not give up drinking, and that was not something i was ok with or our kids dealing with. I came home, I took a month to think and work things out in my head, and research what was the best way to not harm the children long tem, and after one last yelling match on the phone, I filed the papers. I was in denial, I did not want to admit i failed or enabled him to live this life, and there was no where for me to really go with him from there.
The divorce was very simple and was done short and quick. Basically it came down to he wanted the stuff, and I wanted the kids. He signed off rights to the kids, had/has no set visitation other than christmas day, and the rest is history. Sometimes he calls and says I have a free day can I take the kids? And if nothing is going on I hand them over. Our way is non conventional but for us it works. He is the “fun guy” and i am the strict mean mom. I am there for the everyday and the all day and the sickness and health, etc. he gets them when they are at their best for the fun of it. I have forgiven him for the way our world ended, and forgiven myself for being complacent and enabling, and failing. I have learned from my mistake.
And sometimes, he calls and says hey! I am working at the restaurant, you want to bring the girls in? Many times we go, I still enjoy watching him tend bar. It definitely is what he is good at. You can see the focus, the fun, and a man in his element. He gets paid to do what he loves-talk and drink. And he is happy with his life. And I am happy for him.
URP: __________________________ 