We are human. My partner Shane, and I, have put ourselves in a statistically unsound decision. We have assembled a household of two autonomous families under one roof, with different expectations and different mentalities in whole-not in part and theoretically speaking, polar opposites and therefore against all odds potentially doomed to fail.
Some people would say- who cares if social constructs doom a remarriage or step family you should never have been there to begin with. you are living in sin, etc. While I understand that POV and perspective-you cannot tango with one person. It takes two. If one leaves or one had no respect or regard for the other-what examples does that set for the children and their future thoughts on relationships. Sometimes good-bye is a second chance, and a time to self examine you as part of a problem.
Intro to the past:
Shane and I have both been married before, early in our youth. Both with the expectation of wedded bliss and that a person could change or we were worth changing for. We were young, our previous partners were young, and we were invincible, had shot-gun weddings……But like 51% of marriages, we both failed. The interesting part is both of our partner’s left us, yet we were the filers of the divorce papers. So really, given the context of societal expectation and religious expectation-neither one of us should be where we are now- breathing down the face of a second marriage. So why would we do it again? I swore up and down i would not do it ever again. It was not worth it, it was not what i wanted it to be, la dee, la. He always though it was possible for him to remarry at some point, but it had to be the right person, and the relationship had to take time. Due to the fact we are both Social science majors, we took it upon ourselves to really self examine our parts in the failure. What was it that made us not appealing, made them seek out others for fulfillment, that we were not giving, and the like. When we talk about it now he says he failed by becoming complacent, and did not get involved with the money and bill paying until it was really bad (near bankruptcy) and then fights would erupt. He was there, she was there, and that was just how life would be- happy, miserable, or anywhere inbetween-he said i do and that is what he would just deal with. I however, was an enabler with extremely high expectations. My former partner had a drinking problem. I thought he would stop drinking for me and our kids. I though he would/could change. He worked a ton of hours, and i went to school. We both worked for what we though would make us happy-the two cars, nice home, kids in private school, and sports, and the like. I kept our house super clean, his laundry done and ready for the 5 minutes at home between jobs clothing change, and a hot meal on the table-everyday. But once we hit it, we had nothing in common. He watched tv and drank, or wanted to go out with his friends, and I wanted to stay home in our world we created, and read. He was social, I was not. So to keep him home I would make sure the house was fully stocked-from pop and rum/whiskey to beers of various sorts. What I though would keep him home, worked in part, except that he would bring his friend’s home as well after they stopped at the bar after work on the way home. When things broke in the house, I expected him to fix it. He did not know how, so I would either do it my self, or call my dad-which made him feel dumb and useless, and I adding insult to injury, would get on his case for it. I pushed him to go back to school, something he did not want to do. And when he left, he said he needed a break-he couldn’t be who I wanted him to be. So this begs the question-why once both of us hit home ownership, kids, cars, and life as we were taught to seek-did things fail? Some people say faith/religion was not as important a feature in our lives to hold us together, some could say that it was maturity, and other still say expectation and reality did not match and the continuation of a relationship stood on change-something that is ill-fated to rely on.
Because we have both been in this terrible place in a relationship with another person, staring down the possibility that this was a wrong move, or a bad decision, or I made a mistake, or they changed, what happened to happily ever after, etc. we still have our insecurities. We know what we want, we know what it looks and feel like because we both passed through that multiple times before. But the persons we were with prior did not have what we have- and that is diligence, that is hanging on through thick and thin. And although there are times I may not like him so much I still love him and I cannot imagine my life without him. And I think as long as that is there-and the knowledge that issues will happen at times, it does not have to be the be all end all- and if we work TOGETHER to change, things will be ok. The difference is now, neither expect the other to change, growth occurs together, and we are both extremely motivated to better ourselves individually, yet push the other one more. But lets explore what happens next. When two people fall in love-post divorce-post kids- post life ever after…..
Thinking distinctly at each part:
We are taught and what is implied as good: You go to school, once you leave HS, you go to college or get a job or join the military. Then one man and one woman fall in love. You get married, buy a house, and have kids, get a pet, have two cars, your kids grow up, have school and extra curricular, and eventually leave, and your sell the house, downsize, retire, vacation and golf, dote on your grand children, and die- TOGETHER-same husband same wife.
What actually occurs:
50% get divorced in the first marriage.
60% get divorced after marrying for the second time.
73% get divorced after marrying for a third time.
1% of same sex couples that are legally married get divorced per year while 2% plus of heterosexual couples get divorced per year on average.
Statistics on the Likelihood of Divorce
If your parents are happily married, your risk of divorce decreases by 14 percent.
People who wait to marry until they are over the age of 25 are 24 percent less likely to get divorced.
Living together prior to getting married can increase the chance of getting divorced by as much as 40 percent.
If you’ve attended college, your risk of divorce decreases by 13 percent.
2008 voter data shows that “red” states (states that tend to vote Republican), have higher divorce rates than “blue” states (states that tend to vote Democrat).
The Barna Research Group measured divorce statistics by religion. They found that 29 percent of Baptists are divorced (the highest for a US religious group), while only 21 percent of atheists/agnostics were divorced (the lowest).
We are in love, we are best friends. Our kids are not. We asked them to share in our happiness and devotion to each other and they cannot, or don’t want to, or feel slighted by each other for favoritism or spite. There is a lot of resent among the children-this primarily due to the lifestyles that they have lived and using those to gauge and categorize the others with in it. We remedy this by being ok with each other parenting their own kids autonomously, with parental crossovers occurring in regard to talking back, respect for each other, chores, and things we have up on the manner board. It sounds like more work on paper, but what it does is keeps things consistent to previous expectations AND blended in that the blended items are things all children should learn anyways i.e chewing with the mouths closed, please, thank you, and respect for others.
So in closing, to each their own. BE conscious of what your verbal and non verbal cues are setting for examples for children. While is seems difficult, truthfully having things remain consistent in the home is the best thing for the kids involved-when combining two familial units in to one house, well slow and steady compromise, well noted expectations with real life consequences, and time to understand from all sides really is the only way to keep something on the fringes of “good” in society beneficial. Failure once, does not mean failure a second time. If you put the necessary self-examination, patience, and time in to all of the parts. And truly understand that you may love your partner, but you will never be, nor will they be or replace the actual parents your outside children you brought in, have.
C
Works cited:
http://www.mckinleyirvin.com/blog/divorce/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/
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